12 Months Old! ONE YEAR OLD TWINS!

I love these little one year olds so much.  I have been reminiscing a lot over the past few weeks (truthfully, I haven't stopped reminiscing this whole year...), thinking back to my pregnancy, the early days at home with two newborns, and even further back to before we got pregnant.  I just cannot stop giving thanks to God.  How did we get here?  I can tell you that 2 years ago, I didn't know what to expect, but I had hope.  I had hope in God that He would be glorified.  I had hope because Jesus said to me, "If you believe, you will see the glory of God."  I had hope and trusted that God held the deepest desires of my heart in His heart.  I daydreamed about getting pregnant--maybe with twins!--and holding my child in my arms.  And two years later, I am the mommy of not one, but two precious children.  Two boys who have stolen my heart.  God knows our longings, desires, and needs.  He chose our family to place Benjamin Andrew and Zachary Ryan into, and I will forever be grateful!  

Something I would like to do each year is write a birthday letter to my children.  I'll put them all in a journal and give each child his/her journal of letters on their 18th birthday.  This was my own idea--not even Pinterest ;)  I also just got one of those "one line a day" journals that spans over 5 years.  I'm so excited to fill in a few lines from the day each night.  Each page has the date on top and spaces for 5 years worth of entries below it.  So I'll be able to see the mundane and out of the ordinary events that happened each day for a 5 year time frame.  With the boys turning one, I've just had this great desire to cherish every moment, and I thought this was a great and doable way to do so!  

Here are some birthday boy stats:

Benji

23 lbs 6 ozs, 30 1/2 inches.  Head circumference:  18 ins

Zachary

22 lbs, 30 1/2 inches.  Head circumference:  18 ins

These boys are going strong with their sleeping.  Bedtime is around 7, and wake up time is 7am.  Often they are awake before 7, but they play or talk laugh and lounge in their cribs until we wake them up.  

They are great eaters.  We eat lots of fruits and veggies around here--I'm having trouble getting enough meat in them because I don't have enough made around the house all the time!  But I've been giving them turkey and chicken sausage because I can easily microwave it...  Deli turkey when I have it.  Cheese sticks are a daily staple.  Black beans are also an easy protein.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll raise vegetarians because I'm so bad at giving them meat!  There have been so many babies in our church born in the past few weeks that I've been making tons of meals but not for us!  Geez, I'm so bad.  Oh well, they eat great anyway. 

I switched them over to whole milk the day before their birthday.  They took it alright, but I've noticed their little patches of eczema getting worse.  And then poor Zachary got the stomach bug on his birthday!  It's been going around, and he threw up a ton Thursday evening and then once overnight.  Then both of the boys' poops were looking quite odd over the weekend... so I switched them back to formula and will try to transition again.  The little buggers also have snotty, coughing colds, too.  Poor guys--and on their birthdays!

Zachary has taken a few steps but keeps falling forward. He'll get there soon :)  Benji is just now starting to stand for a second or two.  

Their babbling is starting to "truncate"--meaning they're saying (really, yelling!) one or two words after a string of babble.  I made a photo board for their bday party (post to follow), and whenever Benji looks at it, he says, "Bah-b!" Not too sure what or who "Bob" is, but he seems to associate pictures of himself and his brother with it!  Haha.  

Alrighty, here are some pictures from month 11:

Some self-feeding...

                      

 

Benji trying to get my toast

 Zachary just trying to get me :)

 Meeting our twin girlfriends, Everly and Presley for lunch at the mall!

Benji, double-fisting puffs...

Zachary, double-fisting toes :)

Easter 2015, at my parents' house...

                 

Playtime...

Daddy's home!

an impromtu family hike one evening...

Loving their birthday gift from Marmee and Papi!

cutie selfies...

                     

                     
 

Both boys, multi-tasking:

                   

 

a little friendly wrestling...

Waking up our birthday boys on April 16, 2015!

I'm in love with you, boys!!!

11 months!

Seriously, this is going by way too fast. 

                     

 

outtakes!

Development & Play

Wow, where do I start?  I feel like Benji and Zachary are finally acting like brothers... not just like 2 babies growing up side by side.  They are interacting more--smiling, laughing at one another, tackling each other, mimicking each other.  Benji is picking up on skills that Zachary has already attained, and I'm loving it.  We get so exciting thinking about how these brothers will grow up to be best friends...and how they will help one another and support one another.  You can see it even now... for example, how Benji has learned to clap things in his hands by watching Zachary do it in front of him.  Keep it up, boys!

There is so much babble and baby talk happening, it seems like they are trying to talk.  Zachary, especially, loves to just talk talk talk.  First thing in the morning, as soon as I pull out his binky, he has lots to say.  Usually he just tells me about his dreams and how he slept ;)  Benji is talking, too.  They both say "mama" and "dada".  Not too sure if "mama" is necessarily assigned to Me, but we're pretty sure they know who "dada" is.  Even today, about 5 minutes after Andy left for the day, Zachary turned towards the garage door, waved, and said "dada".  Excuse me?!  My heart melted. 

We have officially outgrown our exersaucers.  I really haven't put them in there in months, except for the other weekend, when we hosted a baby shower in our backyard and I needed to keep the boys contained as I ran around hosting.  For now, they are on our porch outside, which opens up a ton of more space in the family room.  The boys are into balls now, as well as clapping blocks together, dumping blocks out, pushing the walker, and cruising.  Benji loves to cruise around with a block or something in his hand, balance it on top of a surface, and then cruise somewhere else.  Really funny.  

Zachary has stood on his own for a max of 45 seconds.  No steps yet, and he doesn't always want to stand.  Benji has stood for a few seconds, too, but he doesn't seem into it, either.  I guess they will walk when they want.  Don't think it will happen before they turn one!

Eating

The boys eat pretty much every meal with finger foods.  Sometimes (if I'm not in the mood to clean up a mess or if we're out) they will still get purees, but pretty much every meal they feed themselves.  I can't believe it!  Something I've been making a lot is a "pancake" made with 2 eggs, 1/4 cup pumpkin puree, 1/2 banana mashed, and 1/4 tsp baking powder.  So it's pretty eggy.  I add cinnamon or apple pie spice.  They LOVE it.  They also LOVE blueberries.  Zachary eats them faster than I can put more on his tray.  Their poop is purple!  Benji loves Cheerios.  Another fave is avacado and cheese stick (in little pieces).  They also have had Annie's mac n cheese, chicken breast, deli turkey, toast and jam, black beans, strawberries, peas, corn...

We're working on mastering the sippy cup so they can get off of the bottle easily in a month or so.  They do ok with the straw cup.  I've only given them water, but soon we'll try with formula.  They still get 4 bottles/day, about 24-28 oz depending on the day.  

Sleeping

Sound the hallelujah chorus--we are sleeping through the night!!!  Wahoo!  Miracle!  Raise the roof! Party time!  Ok ok.  Benji was the late one to the game, but now he's into it.  We still have some nights where he cries a little bit here and there, but nothing major.  Zachary is our sleeping champ.  He will sleep through even when Benji cries.  Bedtime is 7, and wake up time is 7.  Loving it.  Now I'm wondering when I won't feel tired again.  (In 18 years probably)

Naps are still great, too.  They have solid morning naps from 9:15-10:30/45 and great afternoon naps 1:45/2 - 3:30/4.  

I'm totally in love with these silly, sweet, joyful, funny little boys!!!

Highlights from Month 10:

Playing together.
The favorite toy is typically the one the other brother is playing with.

The boys got their first haircuts! 

They were SO good and so deliciously cute in the little capes.

                      

 

                     

Just give Benji puffs, and he'll do whatever you want.

Me and my sweet Benji.

Check out how long Zachary's hair had gotten!

                                                                                                      

                     

Aww, my sweet big boy.

Auntie Care came in town for her birthday on March 14th!  We had a great day... we went back to the salon to fix Benji's hair (I didn't do a as good job directing his hair cut as Andy did Zachary's...), went out to lunch, and walked to our favorite park to go on the swings.  So glad she came out!

                      

Here are a couple pictures of Zachary interacting with some older friends at lifegroup.  Too cute.

                     

 

with Zoe (L) and Emmett (R)

Perspective and Grace

I've been wanting to write a post like this for several months now, 

but I guess the longer it takes for me to write, the more perspective I gain,

so it's not so bad!  :)

There has just been a lot on my heart since becoming a mom, and it has taken months for me to actually formulate cohesive thoughts and feelings that aren't just emotional dumps from my mind.  I know that I will only gain more and more insight into the heart of God and more and more insight on parenting and motherhood as the days, weeks, and years go on.  But this is my beginning...

I often say, when people ask about what it's like having twins, 

that the first three months are all a blur.

Like, I can't really remember specific details. Things are fuzzy.  

(That's really only partially true because I'm pretty detail-oriented when it comes to memories.)

I do remember stress, immense guilt, and great anxiety.  

From the moment we brought the boys home from the hospital--after a 5 day stay for both of us--

I got busy pumping, trying to nurse, and incessantly writing down times and schedules.

I had it in my head that we needed to get these babies on a good routine (which is great) and was adamant about keeping it. I was also struggling with nursing and pumping and was beating myself up about failing to produce enough milk in time and failing to get the boys to nurse.  I had dreamed of dual nursing and providing my babies with all of the nutrients and calories and fat they ever needed all from me.  

I tried my darndest to pump every 2-3 hours for the first week home.  Even overnight.

Because the boys lost so much weight in the hospital, we had strict orders to not let them go for more than 3 hours without eating.  I'm a GI nurse, so there was no way I wasn't going to follow this doctor's order, lest my children get labelled "FTT" (failure to thrive).  So there was extremely little sleep for those first few weeks months.  :)

Andy was home with us for the first week, with no church obligations (ha, except for the Easter service, which was the day we got home), and my parents, especially my mom, were at the house with me for the first few weeks, all the time.  So I was never alone or on my own.  That was great.  But even still, I felt overwhelmed by the task at hand.  Feeding and sustaining these little lives.  

Oh, the love was flowing.  

The joy was abounding.

Thankfulness welled up inside me.

Yet I was crippled by anxiety.  

Each night, as the sun would go down, I would experience deep anxiety.  I've never struggled with anxiety, and really don't even feel it much at all, so this was awful.  I didn't want the night to come because that meant the next morning would come, and Andy would leave.  I would actually cry.  I felt like I didn't know what I was doing and again, just felt overwhelmed.  Not to mention feeling so guilty for giving the boys formula and not producing enough milk for two.  And getting up every 3 hours to pump. 

Around three months, I was thinking about their birth, and I think we were recounting the day of to our friends, when it hit me:  I never held my babies after they were born.  Of course, I held them, but I was the 7th person to hold them, after the doctors, nurses, Andy, and my family.  And I just felt hit with defeat.  I wasn't even the first one my children smelled or snuggled.  I'm not even their sole source of nutrition, as it were meant to be--anyone can feed a baby a bottle--they don't even need me!  And then came the lament and shame and frustration and guilt and sadness and mourning over how the boys were born.  I had dome some of that already, but there wasn't much time for me to process my emotions in those first few months.  

I finally was able to sit down with God and talk to Him, share with Him the pains of my heart.  

It just took one sentence that He spoke to me that calmed the storm of emotions and guilt that was raging in my soul:

"I Am bigger than your birth story."

Wow.  You are.  He is.  God is so much greater and sweeter and bigger than what I had built up in my mind as such a crucial and critical thing.  How a baby is brought into this world is indeed special and planning and preparing oneself is important and totally something He cares about, too.  But I had built it up to be the end all be all in how I myself became a mother.  In fact, it's just the opposite.  It's only a blip on the timeline of life.   C-section or pushed out, epidural or natural, breastfed or formula... these seriously are such small things in the grand scheme of eternity.  

I realized that I really had glorified the birthing event over God being God no matter what.  

The moment a child is born, the mother is born also.  -Osho

I feel like I became a mother the moment I took that fateful pregnancy test and 

saw the word "pregnant" on the screen.  

I will never forget that morning, 

that feeling, 

that overwhelming sense 

of excitement and thankfulness.

The way they were physically brought into the world and the way they were fed did not and would not change the fact that God made me their mommy.  

No one else could be their mommy.  

Andy and I were their whole world.

And so, I feel like I am on a journey of gaining more and more insight and perspective.  

The further away I get from different events or circumstances, the greater and healthier perspective I have.  Which is always the case, I guess.  I am better able to see what God was doing and is doing.  No longer do I stress or beat myself up about giving my babies formula.  No longer do I cry when I think about their birth story.  (that's not to say I don't hope and pray things will go differently one day if God allows me to be pregnant again)

I was so concerned about letting the boys "cry it out" in fear that they would wake each other up or would they think I didn't love them??  Oh, now that's not a problem :)  

The boys have probably had the statistical amount of viruses in their first year of life (the average infant gets 9 viruses in their first year).  With that first cold, I was so upset and nervous. Now I know the drill and we press through.  I'm not ashamed that my kids are sometimes sniffly because I understand that kids get sick.  It just happens.  

Of course there will be more and more perspective that I gain as the years go on.

There's something comforting about perspective... Godly perspective is being able to look back on events and know that He was there.  He was in it.  You were never alone.  And it is also being able to look forward to the future with a word from God that gives peace and greater understanding.

Thank you, God!

Whether looking back or moving forward, 

we can have peace and not fear or anxiety or regret.

I can look back on different events in my life (not just as a mom) and see His grace peppered throughout.  And as I look onward, maybe without the perspective or insight just yet, I can rest in the peace of His grace that surpasses all understanding.

He is good.  He is faithful.

He will always be good.

He will always be faithful.

Here is a picture from the early days.  

I wish I could go back and give myself a hug and tell myself I was doing a great job.  

I can't even remember holding my sleeping babies!  

xoxo

10 Months Old!

I have great plans to post more than the boys' monthly birthdays every month, but alas, time evades me.  Anyway, here we are at another milestone. TEN MONTHS.  I keep saying that in just 2 months the boys will be ONE!  I can't believe it.  Really.

Month 9 has been full of FUN!  Seriously, Benji and Zachary have become our very best friends.  Is it weird to be best friends with 2 boys under the age of 1?  Don't answer that :)

As I always say, their personalities are emerging more and more.  Zachary is definitely our class clown who likes to make you laugh.  That's not to say that Benji isn't a goofball himself!  He is just more in his own little world doing funny things that causes me to crack up... like carry this toy truck around in his mouth or talk to himself in his high-pitched singsong voice.  Zachary is more in your face, I'm going to make you laugh.  He loves to open his mouth WIDE and smile at you.  Just in the past couple of weeks he has started to crawl over to me fast, try to tackle me, and when I laugh, he sticks his face in mine, with his mouth open wide and says, "ahhh!"  Adorable.

I may have noted in my last post that we definitely think Benji is an Introvert and Zachary is an Extrovert--when going by Myers-Briggs personality testing.  Not to say that Benji isn't still a love and cuddle bug and a sweet boy with people, but he definitely is in his own little world.  He is content to play by himself, and when I step out of the room, he could care less.  Zachary loves to be where the action (read: me) is.  When I need to step out of the family room (I mean, I can't play on the carpet with these babies all day, everyday!), I try to do it when Zachary is busy or else he will throw a fit.

Oh yes, throwing fits.  Zachary is becoming quite adept at this :)  Well, I'm not sure if they are full out tantrums just yet, but he definitely knows what he wants and is upset when he doesn't get it.  Hm...  So this happens a lot if I leave his presence, or if I take the receipt paper wad out of his mouth, or remove the diaper cream tube out of his hands... so on and so forth!  He has a strong will.  Benji can get upset or frustrated with things like that, but he seems to be more like, "Hm, that makes me sad!  Ok I'll find something else."  Benji gets cranky and sensitive, though, when his personal space is being invaded... by his "little" brother... which happens a lot!  A few months ago, when Zachary first started to be more mobile, he started to crawl underneath the two exersaucer/jumperoos we have and play there.  Now Benji has started to do it, and sometimes the space gets a little crowded!  Benji gets upset when Zachary is all up in his grill.  But Benji seems to take toys out of Zachary's hands more than the other way aroTheund.  Silly boys!

Play
Both boys are extremely mobile.  Like I said above, they love to pull up, and especially Benji, who also loves to cruise.  Benji likes to take one hand off of the furniture he is holding onto and it's almost like he's daring himself to fully let go, but he never does.  I have started to try to get them to stand on her own by holding their hands and then letting go.  They both have stood for about 3 seconds before sitting down (Benji) or falling forward (Zachary).  I think they're pretty close to standing alone.  And soon after that will be walking, I'm sure!  Their play table that we got them for Christmas is still entertaining, but not quite as much as it used to be.  Ugh.  Now they like to pull up to the toy box and fish around for things as well as pull up to our bookshelf and pull lots of books off :)
Zachary has mastered waving (it's incredibly precious) and clapping.  He is a people pleaser and loves to clap and wave when you ask him to.  Benji is not as coordinated with his hands, but he has given me a quick wave once or twice.  Benji is more of a master teether :) Zachary is also a very fast crawler.  Man, he's quick!  Benji has finally progressed from his fish flop to crawling.  Very cute.
They LOVE to go in our swings, which is a nice break when they're getting tired of their toys.  I usually run one errand each day, and they also enjoy going out.  But my boys get tired pretty quickly.  The best time of day to do errands is between their am and pm nap, around the lunch hours.

Talk
Both say "dada" quite well.  Zachary also says "mama".  I'm pretty sure he knows that's me, too!  He also babbles, as well as Benji.

Teeth
Zachary has 2 on the bottom, 2 on the top, and 1 top incisor breaking through.  Benji has 2 on the bottom, 1 on the top, and the other top tooth is taking it's sweet time but on its way.  When they teeth, they are definitely cranky during the day and snottier than usual, and they get looser stools, too.  But other than that, they are pretty good through the teething process!  Nothing a little Tylenol can't help.

Eat
They continue to have 4 bottles/day with one in the early am before the day begins as well as 3 solid meals.  Despite their good weights, they're not big eaters.  I can barely get them to take the four 6 oz bottles, with Zachary recently only taking 3-5 oz.  Ugh.  They should be getting at least 24 oz a day with a more realistic goal being 28-32 oz.  I can only get them to take 24 max.  And with solids, they still don't eat a ton.  They still split everything, where I feel like some babies may eat 2 whole 3-4oz pouches at a meal, they maybe consume 2 divided.  They always have about 1/4 c plain yogurt mixed with 2 oz pureed fruit and maybe 2 tsp oatmeal for breakfast.  Lunch is 1-2 oz fruit and 1-2 oz veggie, and I also give them some cheerios and maybe 1/4 of a cheese stick broken up into little pieces.  For dinner they have about 2 oz of meat/protein and 1-2 oz veggie.  If they're still hungry they can have 2 oz fruit.  I am trying to do more finger foods, but they're not huge fans.  So far they can eat and enjoy cheerios, puffs, Sargento colby jack cheese sticks :), avocado, bananas, and strawberries.  I made spinach and chicken stuffed shells the other night, and I gave them spoonfuls of that, broken up really small. They liked it ok, but they're not huge fans of chunky.  Benji definitley prefers purees.

Sleep
I have some great nappers!  They take a 1.5-2 hr nap in the morning at 9 or 9:15 and a 1.5 hr nap in the afternoon, around 1:30/2 depending on the day.  They have gotten much better overnight, too, but with all of our travels this month, I feel like we're going a bit backwards.  They are now waking up around 1-3 am for their overnight bottle, which I know is just crazy that they're almost 1 and still getting a bottle overnight... but that's what we're doing now, and I'm ok with that.  Once this crazy month is over (2 trips for the family, 1 trip for Andy, and 2 guests staying with us at the beginning and end of the month), we will start to night wean them.  They only get 3-4 oz in that bottle, so I know it might be more for just comfort.  It's also mentally (and physically) exhausting to do the cry it out process with 2 babies in the same room.  Ugh.  But I know it needs to happen.  So, bedtime is at 7/7:15 and they get up for the day at 7.  Often someone is up before 7, but they stay in the crib.  If it's Zachary, he is totally fine to just chill and talk quietly to his Tigger.  If it's Benji, he typically cries...  I wonder if my boys just only can do 11 hours overnight, but I still am sticking to the 7-7 schedule.

                      

 

                   

These next two photos show how they're beginning to look more alike, I think!

The boys were dedicated at church in January!  So sweet that my mom and brother could be there. 

Loving to pull up and stand!  Especially if mommy put Puffs in the snack tray :)

                   

Benji enjoying some light reading.

Caught mid-clap!

Sweet, silly Zachary.

                    

Goofball Benjer Wenjer.

                    

My boys loving the swings and the beautiful weather!