Thoughts on Mother's Day from an Infertile Mom

On this Mother's Day, technically my second one as a mom (last year I was just a few weeks in), there are many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my mind and heart that I would like to share.

 With social media being a forum for people to share their thoughts for all the world to see, it seems like there is more and more awareness on how hard this holiday can be for many people.  Whether you have lost your mom, have a broken relationship with your mom, are single and want to be married, struggle with infertility, have suffered a miscarriage(s), or have lost a child... it is a fact... Mother's Day can be a painful reminder for some of what you don't or no longer have.  Also with social media, it's no longer just at CVS or the grocery store aisle or at church where we see the holiday happening or where we're reminded of it--it's all over our screens and in our faces:  pictures of happy families, moms holding their babies, husbands touching their wives' bellies, sonogram pics, pictures of bouquets of flowers, status posts on how blessed this mom is, etc. etc.  There is no escaping this holiday anymore if you're online (or any holiday for that matter--Sibling's Day, what?).

As a woman who has struggled (and will always struggle) with infertility and who is also now a mommy herself, I have been on both sides of the aisle, so to speak.  Two years ago, the pain of this holiday hit me.  I wanted so badly to be a mommy, I wanted to be one of the ones to stand up in church or receive a little gift or a card or flowers.  Not so I could be celebrated on this day in May, but more because I wanted to proudly wear that badge of honor that is the title of "Mother".  To wear that badge means you have children.  I desperately wanted children because I felt it was my calling and how I would come alive.  To be told it might not be possible is heartwrenchingly painful.  A couple years ago, I wanted to make it my cause to make sure people realized that this holiday is painful.  At times in those days, I felt like I could scream or burst with all of the pain and hurt and frustration and anger and worry swirling inside me.

So on Mother's Day, I wanted to say, 

"Don't forget me!  

Don't forget us!  

Don't celebrate moms and forget us who desperately want to be among you!"  

I also felt like my eyes were opened to all the other women who may struggle on this day, and I felt sensitive to the pains of others.

Then, as days went on and God continued to work on my heart, I began to realize that just because I can't have what others do doesn't mean mothers shouldn't be freely celebrated.  I want to be one who honors others.  Oh, it was so hard to be happy and joyful for my friends who are moms and for friends who kept getting pregnant, but just because I couldn't have that didn't give me the right to steal from their celebration.

I have read a few blog posts and articles on this subject--warning of the painful part of Mother's Day.  When I read them, I almost feel as if the writer is shaking his or her finger at all of us, telling us to tone down the celebration because of what others do not have.  But I don't agree with that, either.  God is a God of celebration and of life.  It is not his intention to put those in the corner who have pain and make them be happy because they hurt, but He also doesn't intend for those who deserve honor to not receive it.  There is a happy medium.  Honestly, becoming a mom and seeing all the dirty work that goes into it, this Mother's Day I have more fuel in my tank to give thanks to my own mom for the sacrifices she made day in and day out to raise me and my three siblings.

Being a mom is hard work--but so rewarding.  One article I read basically said that just because you're a mom that doesn't make you anymore special than a woman who doesn't have children.  That doesn't sit well with me.  Just as baseball games for kids where there is no score doesn't sit well, or every kid in the class getting a prize or reward regardless of behavior or merit doesn't sit well with me.  Our culture and generation seems uncomfortable with honoring others these days.  No, moms are no more special in and of themselves just because they are a mom and someone else might not be... but mothering and raising children IS special.  To say that it isn't takes away from the beauty and treasure that it really is.  To say that we shouldn't go out of our way to celebrate moms takes away from the sacrifice that moms make for their children.  I also know that not all moms are like this.  There are many surrogate moms and grandmas and dads and aunts who took that mantle upon their shoulders and should be celebrated as well.  The title of "mom" is a great one.  Let's not overlook that.

There is a real pain and struggle in the social media world.  There were times I had to give up social media because seeing happy pictures of friends with their kids and new babies and pregnancy announcements hurt, so I decided not to look.  I don't want to take away from someone else's joy.  We can choose to look at what we want to look at.  We can also choose to rejoice when others rejoice... and the flip side of that is that we can mourn when others mourn.  Let's be sensitive to the pains and needs of those in our life and also celebrate when it is called for.

I will leave you with this song that I found in my early days when we were finding out our infertility issues.  It still makes me cry.  The singer struggled with infertility herself.  The words "I would die for that" ring true in my heart.  I felt like I would give anything to be a mom.  And now that I am, I still feel that way.  I proudly die to myself, lay down my whole self so that my children can make it in life.  What an honor and a privilege.  Thank you, God, for making me a mom.  I am humbled.

Happy Mother's Day!

5 Year Anniversary // 1 Year Celebration

5 years ago today this happened:

I married my bestie!  

Marriage has been FUN.  Andy is truly my best friend, and I love living life with him by my side.

I am honored to be his wife and partner.

Marriage has also been challenging, humbling, and revealing!  

I can be quite stubborn... these 5 years (and many many more) have allowed God to shape and form me to be a little more like Jesus... but I still have a LONG way to go.

Andy helps me to be more

patient, 

calm, 

trusting, 

joyful.

And we have tons of fun and laughter together.  5 years have flown by.

August 8th will now also forever be another anniversary of sorts.

This day last year, we suited up to go into the OR and have our 3 precious embryos implanted into my womb.  

We were so expectant for God to move in miraculous ways.
This was a day of excitement and hope, 

despite all of the setbacks and pain we had endured leading up to this day.

Here we are waiting and ready :)

Little did we know that these little guys would soon turn into our sweet

Benjamin and Zachary!  

One of the perks of IVF, if you could call it a perk, would be that your baby's 

first photo is taken when they are literally seconds old...

Here are the sweet little embys as they were just nestled into my uterine lining.

Crazy!  I am still in awe of medicine and science and the way God moves in creation.

What a full 5 years we have had... looking forward to many many more!

On grieving

I realize it's an interesting post that I write today, as I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little miracles, but I'm realizing that I am still grieving the loss of "what could have been" at times.  I ultimately have peace in my heart, but I still grieve.

I passed a couple walking out of the doctor's office a few weeks ago.  The wife was crying, and the husband looked somber and was rubbing her back.  They could have been crying about anything, but I just had this feeling that they either just had a miscarriage or were told that they needed to see a fertility specialist.  My heart broke for them.  I wanted to tell them it would be ok and that they're not alone.  In this small moment of time, I realized again the privilege it is that I'm carrying twins in my womb.  This was not meant to be - by any scientific means - and if it weren't for the generosity of my father (and Father), we may still be waiting for our Gabriel...

My marriage with Andy is so sweet. I love our deep friendship, and our home is filled with laughter everyday, no matter what we're going through.  So, we have even come to a place where we can laugh at our situation.  The irony and the ridiculousness of it all.  That he is missing a small but extremely important reproductive part.  We can laugh!  We can tease!  But there is still grieving.

Throughout this pregnancy, I have learned here and there how to live in the moment and be thankful for what we have--not looking to the future and asking How? or What if? or Will we?  But there are still times that I think of the other children we want and I just get sad.  Why did this happen to us?  I wish we could just plan when we want our next child and go get pregnant.  I love adoption, but I want to choose it out of an overflow of our hearts' desire, not out of obligation.  (and financially, adoption is still a pricey option)

Jesus doesn't push me away in my grief.  He doesn't say, "We've already been over this.  Why are you still sad?"  Sometimes He is the only One who understands.  When I hear of people getting pregnant again, and I am happy but have to run to the secret place to meet with God, He doesn't scold me.  He is the most patient, most understanding Father.

I've started reading the sequel to a book called Hinds Feet on High Places, which has been very influential and impactful to me in my walk with God.  This book is called Mountains of Spices (by Hannah Hurnard), and it's "an allegory about human weaknesses and strengths comparing the spices in Song of Solomon to the fruits of the Spirit".  Yesterday morning I read a part in the chapter on Joy that really struck me.  I have since written the words down in my journal twice.  I believe that it was God's way of encouraging me in this trial that we're still in...  the trial of life.  Infertility will never leave us.  We will never solve this problem.  I will always carry that in my heart--not in an unhealthy way, but just as a cross I am to bear.  We can't escape it.  But will I let it change me for His glory?  Will I choose joy on the path of suffering?

The main character in this book is named Grace and Glory after she was taken to the high places by the Shepherd in the first book.  On the journey to the high places, she learned much about God's ways and was transformed from "Much Afraid" into "Grace and Glory".  She was given a new name and now a new outlook on life.  In this chapter on Joy, the Shepherd is showing Grace and Glory the mountain where the camphire bushes grow.  "Before the perfumed oil could be produced by the plant, the ground around the bushes needed to be manured with a bitter substance which the roots of the bushes drew in from the soil and changed into the oil of gladness. There were certain seasons when [the Shepherd's] workmen treated the soil in this way, just before the heavy winter rains and snows began when  everything on the bushes faded and fell to the ground and the branches were left completely bare." (pg. 66).

Grace and Glory thought this was so sad and didn't understand why the beautiful fruit would have to endure bitterness and death.  The Shepherd responded with a song that explained why.  Grace and Glory then understood, remembering the hard journey she took to the high places, which in turn gave her the greatest joy and she came to know the King.  She responds:

"If other nights of sorrow must come to me," she said to herself, "I can never fear nor dread them again, for I know they are only the seasons when the camphire bushes of the King are prepared and made ready to produce the oil of gladness.  Oh, how lovely His thoughts and HIs plans are, how great is His wonderful goodness and loving-kindness.  His ways of grace past finding out!  Oh, that I may always react to sorrow in such a way that it will be overcome and be changed into His joy." (pg. 68)

The Shepherd's response is what has been impacting my heart majorly these past couple of days:

"There is absolutely no experience, however terrible, or heartbreaking, or unjust, or cruel, or evil, which you can meet i the course of your earthly life, that can harm you if you will but let Me teach you how to accept it with joy; and to react to it triumphantly as I did Myself, with love and forgiveness and with willingness to bear the results of wrong done by others.  Every trial, every test, every difficulty and seemingly wrong experience through which you may have to pass, is only another opportunity granted to you of conquering an evil thing and bring out of it something to the lasting praise and glory of God.

You sons and daughters of Adam, in all your suffering and sorrow, are the most privileged of all beings, for you are to be perfected through suffering and to become the sons and daughters of God with His power to overcome evil with good.  If only you realized your destiny, how you would rejoice at every experience of trial and tribulation, and even in the persecution which comes your way.  You would 'count it all joy.'  You would take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions and distresses for Christ's sake 'for when you are weak, then you learn how to be made strong.'"  (page 70, 71)

So, again, I'm learning that we become like Him in our death.  That I should count my sufferings and trials as joy because He is giving me opportunities to walk as He walked and become more like Him.  In my weaknesses, He is strong.  My weaknesses may become my greatest strengths, somehow.

Our little boys will remind me again and again and again that God makes beauty out of ashes.  I will still grieve our infertility, but I believe that this trial will continue to be made into joy.  

He makes all things beautiful!

*Disclaimer:  This is a very long post with lots of details!*

I feel like on this blog, one day I said we were doing IVF, 

and the next day I announced we were pregnant.

I started off sharing a fair amount of personal details, 

but then I stopped.  

Partly because I never intended to share everything

and partly because things got really hard and trying for us.

Journeying through infertility is already an extremely exposing and vulnerable thing, 

let alone when you share every single detail on your blog.

Though, I am so thankful to the countless "friends" I have made in cyberspace

by finding blogs of Christian women who have gone or are going through this journey.

Having those blogs, in addition to a "real life" friend who has walked this road before,

has been so helpful for me to just connect and hear stories and know we're not alone.

But I feel at this point that I want to share more of our story

because it helps to underscore the miracle of our twins

and brings glory to God!

Our Infertility Timeline

October 2011:  We prayed and asked God if we could start trying for a family.  We both felt His affirmation and heard encouraging words of hope.

February 2012:  Our dear friends are pregnant!  I am so excited for them, yet this stirs up fear in me and concern--why are we not pregnant yet?

May 2012:  I see my Gyn. to talk through things.  Could there be something wrong?  No, this just takes time.  Checked some labs anyway, and things looked normal.

July 2012:  At iCon, Antioch's international church planting conference, there was a significant word of encouragement spoken out during a worship time for the women in the room.  The theme of the word had to do with fertility and being pregnant with promises--more in the spirit, though.  But then Jimmy Seibert got up right after the word was spoken and encouraged any women where actually trying to conceive and having difficulty to be prayed for by friends.  This was huge for us.  The first time Andy cried about it all, and dear friends gathered around us and prayed for God to breakthrough.  We really thought this was it!
August 2012:  Another negative pregnancy test.  Heartbreak.  But continuing to trust and believe.
October 2012:  One year of trying... Made another appt with my doctor but saw a different one.  This time both Andy and I went, and this doctor talked through the option of starting Clomid, a fertility drug that jumpstarts the ovaries into releasing several eggs in hopes that one fertilizes.  We left the appointment not know why this wasn't happening for us but with an option to try.
December 2012:  After talking with a good friend who had gone through years of infertility, we decided not to do Clomid without seeing a fertility specialist first.  Our appointment was right before Christmas.  He did an ultrasound and saw that I had numerous follicles in both ovaries, suggesting that I hadn't been ovulating for years possibly.  We drew labs, too, and he went through possible reasons and options for us.  I was shocked but also glad to hear there was a reason and I wasn't going crazy!
January 2013:  We decided to move forward with Option #1--take a med that also jumpstarts the ovaries into producing/growing follicles, giving myself an injection that tells my body to ovulate at a specific day/time, and then come in for IUI (intrauterine insemination).  This whole process involved coming in for many ultrasounds for several days in a row to monitor the progress of the med.  We were finally given a specific time for me to give the "trigger" shot and then both Andy and I would come into the clinic the following day (happened to be a Saturday), and we'd get a sample from Andy, and then the doctor would put the sample in me.  Not as advanced as IVF; this leaves more up to "chance" for the body to do its thing.  We decided last minute to forgo the IUI procedure and just try naturally in our specific window of time.
January 2013 - Pregnacy Blood Test:  Negative
February 2013:  We decide to try this same option again but actually go through with the IUI procedure. I won't go into details, but this is just not fun!  Getting a "sample" is not an enjoyable task, especially under stressful time constraints.  As soon as Andy got back from dropping off the sample at the clinic, I was about to head out to leave for my portion--the IUI part--and we got The Call.  There was zero sperm in his sample.  We were devastated.
March 2013:   We meet again with our doctor, now with new clues to our infertility struggle.  There was another test he wanted to run on Andy involving more samples and stress.  When Andy got the call about the results of this test, I was in Texas for an Antioch training, so we were apart.  It was a really really hard day for us; probably one that will go down in the history books.  Again there was nothing.  We were faced with the possibility that we might never have our own biological children.  All I wanted to do was cry and cry but we were at a training conference.  I couldn't talk to anyone about it really, and I was just heartbroken.  When I got back a couple days later, Andy had already gotten an appointment with the Urologist we were referred to, and we saw him on Monday.
We really like(d) this guy, and upon initial examination (read: painful), he told us that Andy was born with something called CBAVD - Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas Deferens.  A condition only caused by Cystic Fibrosis or carrying the gene for CF.  This doesn't mean Andy doesn't make sperm, there is just no way for it to get out of the body.  Wow.  What?!  If he indeed made sperm (which we found out through labs), then the Urologist could do a procedure called PESA to retrieve sperm that could be used in IVF.  Our only option at this point is IVF.
April 2013:  Andy's procedure is done.  One word:  ouch.  I won't go into details, but we both get to say we went through a lot for these babies.  We also have more sad news.  The sperm retrieved weren't many and weren't healthy.  2 options--use donor sperm or try this again.  Andy was about to leave for a month long overseas missions trip in May.  It was decided that I would start the IVF drugs sometime in May, and it would hopefully work out for the day of my egg retrieval, Andy would be back in time to do the procedure again.
May 2013:  I start my many pills and shots and ultrasounds.  (I continue some form of a shot until October, actually.) Andy is overseas and taking special vitamins to help boost his numbers.
June 2013:  My body is responding a lot slower than they expected.  There was a period of 10-14 days that I was going in everyday or every other day for ultrasounds and coming home or going back to work disappointed.  Things are not happening like they should.  We might have to cancel this cycle.  But finally, there are a few follicles (which contain eggs) that are growing to the appropriate size, and we set a date for my egg retrieval and set Andy's procedure for the day before.  Andy's procedure went well--much better than the first time.  It was actually a lot less painful, too.  We had prayed and prayed, and I really believe it was God's breakthrough and mercy that allowed the results to be so good.

Capture Day:  In IVF world, this is a fun and exciting day--even though it involves going under anesthesia and getting needles poked into places they don't belong.  But for us, again, the results were less than optimal.  We were hoping for somewhere around 2 dozen eggs to be retrieved, so when I was waking from anesthesia and my doctor came to tell us he only got 11 eggs, I was devastated.  Again, I didn't understand.  We thought we would have enough eggs to make a good amount embryos (knowing that not ALL eggs or embryos survive this process) so we would never have to do this process again.  But when we got home and I spent some time in prayer and meditation, I felt again just thankful to God for this miracle of even 11 eggs.  We prayed over these eggs - and soon to be embryos - and believed for miracles.

Got my first ever IV placed and ready to go!

Ahh, anesthesia sleep.

Post-egg-retrieval.  Excited!

We have 11 baby eggs--we are already parents!  Thankful to God.

Mid-June 2013:  We get another Call.  Out of our 11 eggs, 10 fertilized with the sperm.  But after a few days, when the embryologist watches them intensely for the optimal window for freezing, only 3 survived.  THREE.  With heavy, heavy hearts we accepted this news.  It seemed like there was only disappointment for us.  We head to Disneyland for  MUCH needed vacation.
June 29th:  We return from Disney to a letter in the mail from the embryologist telling us his opinions on what to do next, and that our three little embryos were ranked sub-optimally.  Mind you, this was communicated through check boxes and short sentences.  NOT the way you want to be told that it was recommended to do this all over again or use donor sperm.
July 2013:  We meet with the fertility doctor again to go over our options.  Our hearts are still heavy and confused.  Our doctor says that in his opinion, we should move forward with transferring the embryos into my womb and seeing what happens.  Instead of transferring the recommended 2, he suggested transferring all 3, since ours weren't very strong.  This doctor is very smart and loves to calculate statistics when you see him, and somehow he gave us a 52% chance of getting pregnant with one baby after this.  We decided to throw chance out the window and believe God.  So again, I start another round of shots and pills to prepare my uterus for the transferring of embryos in August.

August 8, 2013:  Our 4 year anniversary and Transfer Day!  

I texted this pic to my mom and sis, saying,
"Do I look like a mommy?" before heading out.

We both got to "suit up" because Andy got to be there
with me when our babies were transferred.
We were both present for their conception!

August 17, 2013:  My blood test was in a few days, and we were told to not do any home pregnancy tests because you can get a false negative, but I woke up this morning and couldn't stand waiting anymore.  Before Andy woke up, I took this test... and woke him up by shoving it in his face!

My first ever POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!

Pure JOY

We had already planned to go up to Flagstaff for the day to spend time together praying, worshipping, and trusting God for the days to come.  I really wanted to just know that we were pregnant when we did this, haha.  We found a sweet spot in the woods (wanted to find green grass, but the inclement weather prevented us) and laid out a blanket and worshipped and prayed.  We were still in shock and disbelief... and with our history of things not going as we planned, we were somewhat tentative in being too excited, but we were nonetheless.

We have a baby in there :)

August 19, 2013:  I went in for my blood test to find out if we were pregnant--although we already knew :)  We didn't tell ANYONE about this date because we wanted it to be a surprise.
Of course, I get the wonderful news when the nurse calls me at work a few hours later.  PURE BLISS.

Over the next 2 weeks, I go in for 3 more blood tests to make sure my HcG levels (pregnancy hormone) were rising appropriately.   Well, mine were more than doubling, they were tripling.  This was our first inkling that maybe God answered our prayer for twins.

These three little embryos turned into...

TWO BABIES!

 

Trials and testing prove there's gold.

God is not haphazard or negligent.  He has a plan and purpose for everything He does.
This past year and a half has tried and tested us, but I am convinced more than ever before that
He satisfies my soul.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."  Ecclesiastes 3:11

After all that, we are now counting down the weeks to welcoming two baby boys into our hearts and home.  I will NEVER forget the faithfulness of God in our story.  They will grow up knowing that they were longed for, fought for, prayed for, and loved before they even had a heartbeat.  

Our Dreams Came True!

We're Pregnant!

With TWINS!!!

I don't even know where to begin... 

God is Faithful.  

I will always begin and end there.

My heart is just so full.

Everything we have gone through has led up to this point, 

and it has all been worth it. 

I will post more in the coming days of the road we took to get here, 

but for now I will just leave you with these precious pictures.

Baby B (right) is a little bigger than Baby A and is upside down in this shot.

They measure about 14.9 and 14.4 mm (in this view B looks way bigger).

They won't be identical--you can tell they each have their own gestational sac, so they'll be fraternal.

Right now they're about the size of a kidney bean!  

Me and Andy after crying tears of JOY
when we heard the heartbeats of our little miracles.

Thank you to the hundreds of friends and family who have been praying for us.
These little guys will be part of your inheritance, too!

"Those who plant in tears
    will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
    but they sing as they return with the harvest."

Psalm 126:5-6

"but Hannah had none."

Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Benjamin, Samson, Samuel, and John... 

What do these folks have in common?  They were all prayed for and longed for by their parents before they were conceived and born.  The Bible is full of infertility.  Isn't that interesting?  I sometimes think of it as a contemporary issue (though, it may be more common now), but in reality, many women were "barren" back then.  Back in that time, if you were barren, you were seen as lacking God's blessing; His hand of blessing and favor was not upon you.  

Oh, how my experience has been different.  Our journey (struggle? fight? plight?) of infertility has been and will continue to be long and hard and challenging, yet because of our infertility, we have reached depths of God that I am sure I would never have reached otherwise.  I am convinced that through the specific struggles and trials we each go through in life, God is able to take us to, in turn, specific places of depth and intimacy.  That's not to say if you haven't gone through infertility, you won't go deep with God; I believe there is a unique place of BLESSING and intimacy that God placed aside for us, that we could only get to by going the way of trial and hardship.  

Let me share with you an excerpt from one of my favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  It's an allegory about The Shepherd taking a timid, crippled girl to the high places, and what happens to her on the journey.  In this part, The Shepherd has just introduced to the girl the two guides that will accompany her on the journey:  the guides are called Sorrow and Suffering.  They have veiled faces.

"I can't go with them, " she gasped.  "I can't!  I can't!  O my Lord Shepherd, why do You do this to me? How can I travel in their company?  It is more than I can bear.  You tell me that the moutain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone.  Then why, oh why, must You make Sorrow and Suffering my companions?  Couldn't You have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way?  I never thought You would do this to me!"  And she burst into tears.

(chapter 4, pg 86)

This is how we often respond to trial or discipline.  Yet suffering is a friend, not a foe, when we are yielded to and controlled by God. When our wills are surrendered at His feet, we are under His perfect care.  So we can know and trust that everything that comes into our life has been filtered through His tender, loving mercy.  He can turn all things into good for those who love Him.  So, I have been able to accept this path of Sorrow and Suffering, knowing that my Shepherd is leading the way.  I want to go where He goes.

Sigh. But I sometimes I daydream about not having to go down this path.  If we had gotten pregnant when we planned, we would have a one year old right about now.  Crazy to think about.  Crazy to look around and see the friends who got pregnant before me, had their babies, and their babies are nearing their one year birthday.  And I'm still not pregnant.  I just never could have imagined this would have gone this way...  

But you know what?  It has gone this way.  And I'm still here.  I'm still smiling.  I'm still hopeful.  I still love Jesus with all of my heart.  I still believe I will be a mom, and Andy will be a dad.  I still love my friends' babies and get excited to hear when new wombs become pregnant.  The only reason why is the faithfulness of God.  The reason why I can declare with joy that God is Faithful--even though I still have empty arms--is because I am standing here today and thriving.  

I must be honest, though, there have been many days or instances where I feel like I'm not thriving.  I feel lonely.  I feel invisible.  I feel hurt.  I feel like my heart can't possibly break even more than it has. BUT GOD...  He meets me.  He carries me.  He takes my hand and walks me to a spacious place where I can breathe.  He leads me beside quiet waters; He restores my soul.  There have been times when I just hoped silently that someone would ask me how I'm doing today?  How are things going?  How is your heart?  Where I hoped someone would just pray for me or send me a note.  And those things didn't happen, BUT GOD... He did those things.  He's always been there, and He always will be.  This change in my life has really matured me in this way.  "Hey, Emily, if you want someone to ask you how you're doing and they don't, either go up to them and share your heart or press into God."  Yes, it's nice when friends just know what and when to say things, but I don't want to become bitter when people don't read minds.  And the point is, where people have let me down, God has been there.  

Did you also know that just because you're mourning and grieving, it doesn't mean you've lost hope or faith?  I have absolutely never lost hope.  My hope is in God alone.  I hope in Him because He is faithful.  I have absolutely never lost faith.  I fully believe that in an instant God could heal Andy and heal me and give us a child naturally.  I fully believe and have faith that God is doing something deeper than I could ever know.  But just because we have HOPE and FAITH doesn't negate the fact that there is pain in our hearts.  We can simultaneously grieve and mourn loss and hard things while still holding onto hope and faith.  I believe the more the church knows this, the less feelings that will be hurt by, though well-intentioned, haphazard words.  (When sharing my heart and being vulnerable, I have more than a few times then been asked, "Do you still have hope?")  So be encouraged, if you, too, are in a trial and are experiencing sadness, mourning, or grieving.  The enemy may discourage you and tell you you're not being faithful, but in reality, if we let God properly deal with our hurting hearts, we will come out the other side with even greater hope and faith.  Hope is the expectation of good because God is good.

Andy and I are in another sort of waiting period.  This whole journey has felt like a waiting game.  There have been lots of 2 week, 4 week, 6 week waits.  Lots of shots. Lots of pills. Lots of creams.  Lots of ultrasounds, not looking for a baby.  Lots of appointments.  My hands are open to what God would do.  However He wants to build our family, I trust Him.  My heart is open wide.  I hate waiting; but I love it just the same.  Ann Voskamp, the author of One Thousand Gifts, writes about waiting this way, 

“Because sometimes in the waiting for what we long for, we praise God long when the gift comes at long last. Sometimes God has his people wait long, so our gratitude becomes deeper and wider.” – Ann Voskamp, The Jesse Tree Journey

He sure is having us wait long.  We're coming up on two years of actively "trying to conceive".  In someways I can't believe it.  In other ways, I can smile contentedly and know that He is up to something.  May you be encouraged by reading this, if you are in your own waiting period or your own trial.  He is so faithful.  Sometimes it seems that He speaks a promise, and then our life takes the completely wrong or opposite turn.  No, no.  He knows what He's doing.  Sometimes we have to enter into what one of my favorite pastors, Jimmy Seibert, calls "the trials of hope."  Will we come out of the trial praising God, trusting His name?  Or will we come out defeated, bitter, angry?  I have decided that I really can only trust Jesus because He saved my life.  There's nothing else I can do.  When we enter into the "trials of hope", after a promise is spoken but we go a different direction, will we surrender it all to Him again and let Him work on our hearts in the process of reaching our Promised Land?  

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen."  Ephesians 3:20

Oh, and let's not forget Hannah (or Sarah or Rachel or Elizabeth...):  "...the Lord remembered her. "

Though...Yet

Everyday I am reminded of the simple truths that

God's timing is not my own

and 

He is still to be worshipped 

even when our circumstances don't seem good or promising or fair.

These are important truths to learn (and keep learning),

but also hard ones to swallow.

This verse in Habakkuk has been a convicting and encouraging one for me, 

and I challenge anyone else to write their own version when you are faced with a trial or difficulty.

"Though the fig tree does not bud

   and there are no grapes on the vines, 

though the olive crop fails 

   and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

   and no cattle in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord, 

   I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Habakkuk 3:17-18

The truth is, I have experienced more pain and heartbreak 

than I thought I could ever bear

over the past 6 months, 

but though I have many "thoughs"

I am choosing to end my sentences with the "yet"!

I WILL REJOICE!

I will be joyful in the Lord.  

Only He can give me the strength to rejoice, 

but I also must choose this... and it really is the better way.

A Whole New World

I know many of you have followed my blog postings, 

especially since I opened up about our journey into infertility.

Well, since my last post, things look a little (read:  much) different.

I haven't posted everything because I'm not sure 

how open we're ready to be online about our situation, 

but I will share a little more here.

In February, after some earth-shattering results, we were referred to another kind of doctor,
in addition to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor).

To make a long story short, our only chance to have biological children

is through IVF. 

Over this past year and a half, I always talked about IVF as if it were this last resort thing

that we would never have to go to because I didn't believe we had any real issues.

IVF was expensive (still is), involved, scary, overwhelming, 

and just not something we would ever need.

Well, I was wrong.

And now, on this side of things, 

I am so thankful to God for IVF.

I am so thankful that He gifts some men and women with brilliance, intelligence, 

and medical expertise to help couples achieve pregnancy

in cases where they wouldn't be able to on their own.

I fully believe that God has led us here and is with us in this process.

I am aware that there are a slew of opinions and conclusions that people have on this subject, 

but all I want to say is that I am thankful for IVF.

I don't believe we're taking this into "our own hands".

God is still God and still the Giver of Life. 

IVF is not even a "given" or a quick-fix.

We are fully aware that it doesn't always achieve pregnancy.

The statistics are not 100%, so God is still the writer of this story. 

I haven't started my IVF cycle yet (and it lasts 2-3 months), 

but I will soon.

I will soon enter into a world of mail-order drugs, 

multiple, daily injections, 

daily doctors' appointments, bloodwork, ultrasounds...

I've wondered a lot over the past year, 

Have this many pregnant women always existed?

Or am I just more aware of baby bumps because I so long for one?

And now, as we have doven headlong into the acronym-riddled world of infertility, 

I have wondered, 

Have this many Christian women and couples 

struggling with infertility 

and going through IVF

always been here?

Or have I just been enveloped into a different kind of "club"

so now I'm more aware? 

Either way, I'm learning now, more than ever, 

that many, many men and women are diagnosed and faced with infertility.

In fact, 7.3 million in America are, and this week (April 21-28)

happens to be National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have found comfort and hope and encouragement

through many blogs of women who have gone through
and are facing the challenges of infertility and treatments.
It's incredible that there are so so so many others who struggle with this.


It has been and still is an extremely painful journey to be on,
one of dying to many hopes and dreams,
but Andy and I are expectant for a miracle
and
look forward to seeing the glory of God revealed through our suffering.


Love, Emily

The Lowest of Lows - The Highest of Highs

One of the many incredible Arizona sunsets.

(There I go again, leaving weeks of silence on this blog.) Thank you to all who read my last post and responded so warmly and lovingly.  I'm thankful for the way God is using our lives to bring people encouragement, hope, and ultimately glory to His name.

The funny (read: ironic) thing is that the day after I wrote that post, we got some "bad" news.  This news led to more testing and, ultimately, even more "bad" news.  Our journey felt (and sometimes still does feel)like it was taking a turn for the worst.  Without getting too specific, Andy and I have found ourselves in a place we never thought we'd be as we long for children.  

We have a lot of praying, listening, waiting, and seeking to do.

In the past week or so, I have experienced all sorts of emotions:

heartbreak, 

heartache, 

fear, 

frustration, 

anger, 

loneliness, 

hope, 

faith, 

despair...

but I can honestly say that God has still been Faithful to me.

He has met me in my pain, felt troubled in His spirit with me, wept with me, 

and still constantly turns to me and says, 

"Emily, if you believe, you will see the glory of God."

What else can I do but believe Him?  At times, I have felt so hurt by God by the way things have turned out that I want to run from Him, 

but at the same time, 

He is the only One who knows me and can comfort me in the way that matters, that 

He is the one I'm running to.

John 11 has been by bread and butter these past few weeks.  It was in that chapter that Martha's brother Lazarus, whom Jesus really loved and cared for, got sick and died.  Martha sent men to tell Jesus that Lazarus was really sick and on his death bed and to please come, but Jesus stayed where He was for 2 days until He made the journey back to Judea (a place where He had been persecuted before).  By the time Jesus got to their home, Lazarus had been dead and in a tomb for 4 days.  Martha and Mary and their family were so sad and grieving the loss of their dear brother.  Martha met Jesus first, and He told her that her brother would rise again (like, in a few moments), and Martha responded, telling Jesus that she believed he would rise again at the resurrection day.  

This is when Jesus says, 

"I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.  Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26)

Martha believes.  Then she sends Mary to meet Jesus.  For once, Martha gets it right, but Mary is a little slower to catch up.  

She is obviously distraught that her brother died.

Where were you, Jesus?
I thought you would come!

If only You had been here, Lazarus would be alive right now.

Jesus hears her pain and goes with her to see Lazraus' body.  The scripture actually says that Jesus was "deeply moved in spirit and troubled" and He wept with His friends.  

The God of the universe felt human emotion with His grieving friends and wept and mourned with them.  Even when He knew the outcome of the situation!  

That is incredibly amazing to me.  

And that's definitely why I will never run from Him in my pain but instead run to Him.

But the most impactful part about this story to me has been in verse 40.  After Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, He turns to Mary and says, 

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

So, I am choosing to believe. Over and over and over again, I'm believing His words.  I'm believing His promises.  I'm choosing to believe even when it doesn't seem possible or logical or fun or easy.

God WILL be glorified in this situation, in our lives, and ultimately in all the earth. 

I feel privileged (at times!) to take part in the suffering of Christ in order that 

His life may be revealed in me.

And I wanted to share something to encouraged you, whoever you are reading this.  God showed me this morning, that He has "high places" for each one of us.  But the only way we know something is a "high place" is if we travel through the valley.  There is usually pain and suffering in the valley, but it is worth it in the end, as God ultimately is victorious and gets the glory.  But the high places He talks of in scripture... I believe there are unique and specific ones that He has created for each of His children.  Read Habakkuk 3:17-19 in the New American Bible Standard version:

Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹ The Lord ^[b]God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

Praying that even though it is extremely painful and sometimes feels like death, 

that you would embrace Jesus in your suffering and find that 

He ultimately is scheming and planning for your GOOD and 

has great heights of love, glory, and blessing to take you to.

A Road Less Traveled

This blog has been silent for a few months.  I haven't written for several reasons... one being that I couldn't upload pictures last time I attempted to post, and I didn't have the patience to figure out the problem.  Another being the fact that it was the holiday season, and I was too busy.  Another being the fact that my heart has been all over the place emotionally, and blogging didn't feel right.

But, here I am now, and I feel prompted to write... openly, honestly, and vulnerably.

The road I refer to in the title of this post is a road that actually is more traveled than many--including myself--think is traveled.  More people than we think have traveled, are traveling, or will travel this road.  The road, I mean, is infertility.  I'm sure at the point when most realize they are on this road, that they think to themselves, "Why am I here?  I never thought I would end up here.  I didn't intend to go this way."  At least I have thought those thoughts.

I am not one to be secretive or too private.  I don't "wear my heart on my sleeve" necessarily, but I have just always been one who will honestly answer those questions like, "How are you?" or "How are things?"  Since I've found Jesus, though, I can answer those questions honestly if I'm not in a good place, but I always have hope or trust in God's character.  So, I may share a lot on this blog right now, but I'm ok with that.  I feel prompted by the Lord to share.  [I'm also not one to champion a cause or make sure people are aware of some injustice or something like that.  If awareness comes to some or many through my posts, then that's great.]  I am simply sharing my heart.

I haven't been too private about the fact that Andy and I have been trying for a baby for some time now.  It has actually been about 16 months since we set out to have children.  16 months.  This may seem like forever to some but just the beginning to others.  To me, this seems like forever.  I can't believe over a year has past since we started.  I thought, you decide to start having kids, it may take a month or two, but eventually, bada boom... you're pregnant.  Not the case for us.  Since October 2011, it has been an emotional but good journey of my heart.  I can truly say that it has been good.  It is always good to be drawn to the depths of desperation and despair only to find Jesus there waiting for you, responding to your cries, meeting you in your pain.  I have been taken to a deeper, sweeter level of intimacy with my God than I could have ever gotten to if the "bada boom plan" had prevailed. 

In these last couple of months, we have begun to walk the road of seeking medical help.  In mid-December we saw a fertility specialist who told us, frankly and rather quickly, that I have a problem with ovulation.  More simply put, I don't ovulate.  The doctor suspects I haven't ovulated for maybe a few years.  In the past few several weeks we have gone back to the doctor for tests, labwork, and a follow up appointment.  It turns out I have a hormonal imbalance, which is one thing against us.  I also have increased levels of insulin (slight insulin resistance), which, left untreated or undetected, stops ovulation.

The insulin issue can potentially be corrected and managed, which will in turn correct the ovulation issue, but it is still a separate diagnosis that I am continuing to process with the Lord.  Again,  as I said, there are medical fixes and interventions for our problems, but this has still been such an emotional journey for me, these past few weeks.  Never in a million years did I believe this would be our journey--nobody does.  But it is.  And now I have the opportunity to trust God and meet Jesus in a deeper place than without this challenge.  God is still God.  He is still the Ultimate Creator; He is still the Giver of Life.  He is the One who calls things that are not as though they were.  He breathes life into dead things.  He is Healer.  He is the Blessed Controller of our lives.

I have started this post many times over that past couple of weeks--demonstrating the truth that this topic is sensitive but something I long to share and don't always have the words to speak.  All I can say is oh, how hard and painful these days have been but OH, how sweet Jesus has been to me.  He really is the only One who knows me and can speak words that unlock my soul and heal my heart.  He is the only One who can bring peace that surpasses all understanding.  Of course there are moments and hours and days that I just want to scream or when I can't control my tears, but overall He is so kind, so faithful, so gentle with me that I am ok.

This past round of interventions did not turn out the way we believed it would.  Again, we had a negative pregnancy test despite medication.  God is still God.  He still has a plan.  As I'm coming out of a time where 8 women in my life became pregnant and delivered their beautiful, precious babies and entering right back into another time it seems, I am learning to truly rejoice in others' rejoicing and trust my Father with every twinge of pain and with every silent tear or cry of my heart.  He is faithful with us.  I really am learning what His peace feels like.  I am learning that the world doesn't stop reproducing until it happens for us :)

Without the rain, there will be no rainbow.  He is creating a beautiful rainbow for me.

Something I read the other night in the book, Calm My Anxious Heart  by Linda Dillow (a book I am reading in a women's group) really hit home for me:
       
     "The city of Brussels is known for its exquisite lace.  In the famous lace shops, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns.  These rooms are altogether dark, except for a light from one tiny window that falls directly upon the pattern.  Only one spinner sits in the darkened room in the very place wehre the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving.  Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light.
     As God weaves His pattern into the fabric of our lives, sometimes we sit in a 'darkened room.'  The darkness seems suffocating.  We can't understand what He's doing and cant discover any possible good in the darkness.  Yet, if we fix our focus on our faithful Weaver, we will someday know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days of darkness." 

God has spoken and continues to speak over me "life" as I trust Him with my heart.  Out of my pain, I still have a testimony of life to proclaim over us and over others.  As I long for literal life inside my womb, I am seeing others' pains and struggles and longing for them to experience LIFE in Jesus!  My eyes are being taken off of my own circumstances, and I'm learning to see people and circumstances through a heavenly perspective.  Even in our weakness, God still invites us into the workings of the Kingdom.

Infertility is a growing problem and sadly is becoming more and more common.  I know this isn't how God intended things to be, but the reason why we have sickness, pain, hurt, infertility, etc in this life is because with the fall of man, evil entered into the earth.  But, oh, that I would become more like Christ through this struggle and through this pain.  And oh, how He longs to redeem and restore.  That is God's character.  My heart has been knit together with some women in this process, and I am so thankful for those relationships. If anyone in your life is experiencing this pain, pray.  Oh, please join in with us as we pray for life!  Join us as we journey deeper into the heart of God.  

Thank you for reading, friends and family. I just wanted to share.  I will continue to post as I am lead to write.