Perspective and Grace

I've been wanting to write a post like this for several months now, 

but I guess the longer it takes for me to write, the more perspective I gain,

so it's not so bad!  :)

There has just been a lot on my heart since becoming a mom, and it has taken months for me to actually formulate cohesive thoughts and feelings that aren't just emotional dumps from my mind.  I know that I will only gain more and more insight into the heart of God and more and more insight on parenting and motherhood as the days, weeks, and years go on.  But this is my beginning...

I often say, when people ask about what it's like having twins, 

that the first three months are all a blur.

Like, I can't really remember specific details. Things are fuzzy.  

(That's really only partially true because I'm pretty detail-oriented when it comes to memories.)

I do remember stress, immense guilt, and great anxiety.  

From the moment we brought the boys home from the hospital--after a 5 day stay for both of us--

I got busy pumping, trying to nurse, and incessantly writing down times and schedules.

I had it in my head that we needed to get these babies on a good routine (which is great) and was adamant about keeping it. I was also struggling with nursing and pumping and was beating myself up about failing to produce enough milk in time and failing to get the boys to nurse.  I had dreamed of dual nursing and providing my babies with all of the nutrients and calories and fat they ever needed all from me.  

I tried my darndest to pump every 2-3 hours for the first week home.  Even overnight.

Because the boys lost so much weight in the hospital, we had strict orders to not let them go for more than 3 hours without eating.  I'm a GI nurse, so there was no way I wasn't going to follow this doctor's order, lest my children get labelled "FTT" (failure to thrive).  So there was extremely little sleep for those first few weeks months.  :)

Andy was home with us for the first week, with no church obligations (ha, except for the Easter service, which was the day we got home), and my parents, especially my mom, were at the house with me for the first few weeks, all the time.  So I was never alone or on my own.  That was great.  But even still, I felt overwhelmed by the task at hand.  Feeding and sustaining these little lives.  

Oh, the love was flowing.  

The joy was abounding.

Thankfulness welled up inside me.

Yet I was crippled by anxiety.  

Each night, as the sun would go down, I would experience deep anxiety.  I've never struggled with anxiety, and really don't even feel it much at all, so this was awful.  I didn't want the night to come because that meant the next morning would come, and Andy would leave.  I would actually cry.  I felt like I didn't know what I was doing and again, just felt overwhelmed.  Not to mention feeling so guilty for giving the boys formula and not producing enough milk for two.  And getting up every 3 hours to pump. 

Around three months, I was thinking about their birth, and I think we were recounting the day of to our friends, when it hit me:  I never held my babies after they were born.  Of course, I held them, but I was the 7th person to hold them, after the doctors, nurses, Andy, and my family.  And I just felt hit with defeat.  I wasn't even the first one my children smelled or snuggled.  I'm not even their sole source of nutrition, as it were meant to be--anyone can feed a baby a bottle--they don't even need me!  And then came the lament and shame and frustration and guilt and sadness and mourning over how the boys were born.  I had dome some of that already, but there wasn't much time for me to process my emotions in those first few months.  

I finally was able to sit down with God and talk to Him, share with Him the pains of my heart.  

It just took one sentence that He spoke to me that calmed the storm of emotions and guilt that was raging in my soul:

"I Am bigger than your birth story."

Wow.  You are.  He is.  God is so much greater and sweeter and bigger than what I had built up in my mind as such a crucial and critical thing.  How a baby is brought into this world is indeed special and planning and preparing oneself is important and totally something He cares about, too.  But I had built it up to be the end all be all in how I myself became a mother.  In fact, it's just the opposite.  It's only a blip on the timeline of life.   C-section or pushed out, epidural or natural, breastfed or formula... these seriously are such small things in the grand scheme of eternity.  

I realized that I really had glorified the birthing event over God being God no matter what.  

The moment a child is born, the mother is born also.  -Osho

I feel like I became a mother the moment I took that fateful pregnancy test and 

saw the word "pregnant" on the screen.  

I will never forget that morning, 

that feeling, 

that overwhelming sense 

of excitement and thankfulness.

The way they were physically brought into the world and the way they were fed did not and would not change the fact that God made me their mommy.  

No one else could be their mommy.  

Andy and I were their whole world.

And so, I feel like I am on a journey of gaining more and more insight and perspective.  

The further away I get from different events or circumstances, the greater and healthier perspective I have.  Which is always the case, I guess.  I am better able to see what God was doing and is doing.  No longer do I stress or beat myself up about giving my babies formula.  No longer do I cry when I think about their birth story.  (that's not to say I don't hope and pray things will go differently one day if God allows me to be pregnant again)

I was so concerned about letting the boys "cry it out" in fear that they would wake each other up or would they think I didn't love them??  Oh, now that's not a problem :)  

The boys have probably had the statistical amount of viruses in their first year of life (the average infant gets 9 viruses in their first year).  With that first cold, I was so upset and nervous. Now I know the drill and we press through.  I'm not ashamed that my kids are sometimes sniffly because I understand that kids get sick.  It just happens.  

Of course there will be more and more perspective that I gain as the years go on.

There's something comforting about perspective... Godly perspective is being able to look back on events and know that He was there.  He was in it.  You were never alone.  And it is also being able to look forward to the future with a word from God that gives peace and greater understanding.

Thank you, God!

Whether looking back or moving forward, 

we can have peace and not fear or anxiety or regret.

I can look back on different events in my life (not just as a mom) and see His grace peppered throughout.  And as I look onward, maybe without the perspective or insight just yet, I can rest in the peace of His grace that surpasses all understanding.

He is good.  He is faithful.

He will always be good.

He will always be faithful.

Here is a picture from the early days.  

I wish I could go back and give myself a hug and tell myself I was doing a great job.  

I can't even remember holding my sleeping babies!  

xoxo

Christmas Reflections

I wanted to share a thought God downloaded to me the week of Christmas.

I intentionally tried to meditate on Jesus coming to earth as a baby this year, now that I have my own babies and know more about what that truly means.

To me, it is incredible that my Savior--the Creator of the earth and Savior to all mankind--would come to us in the form of a helpless, completely dependent, fragile, needy baby!  It blows my mind!  How did he nurse?  Did He have colic?  When did He start sleeping through the night?  Did He take His first solids ok?  I mean, seriously!  He was fully God, but also fully man... so He wasn't exempt from all of the milestones and developmental markers that babies  go through  and sometimes struggle through.  I pray that I don't let Christmases come and go any longer without taking time to meditate on this amazing yet often overlooked fact of the Christmas story because I came away from these times more in awe of and more thankful for Jesus than before.  

He subjected Himself to infancy!  

Infancy ain't easy!

Then that got me thinking about Mary.  Infancy ain't easy on mommas, either... more so, even.  

Wow.  Mary.  

Mary birthed the Savior.

Often times our recount of the Christmas story ends there in the stable, 

with Sweet Baby Jesus in His manger.

But Mary also raised Him.  

She nursed Him.  

Changed Him.  

Learned His cries.  

Fed Him.  

Cared for Him.   

Rocked Him to sleep.  

Kissed His sweet cheeks.  (I'm sure they were super sweet, too!)

Stroked His head.  

Patted His bottom.

Wiped away His tears.

Burped Him.

Got spit up on by Him.  

I mean, think about it! It's incredible to me.  A miracle.

To think... the Savior, the Messiah:

He had the whole world in His hands, 

all of our lives on His shoulders, 

His destiny was written about in the heavens...

yet, God saw it fitting for Him to need a mommy.

This was where I stayed for awhile a few mornings after Christmas.

God spoke to me about the significance of motherhood.

If Moms should ever question their importance or significance...

just remember that Jesus--the Lord of all the universe--

needed a mommy!

God saw it necessary for Jesus to be raised into Who He would become, essentially...

or at least being raised by a mom (and a dad, of course) was important to the Gospel.

He was already great,

already God;

yet He needed a mom!

So this led me to think on my own babies.

I believe that they already have a destiny spoken over them by God.

God knows their identities even before we fully know them.

He knows the good works He has already set aside for them.  

But even though they already have a destiny, 

my role as their mother is still, and maybe even more so, important. 

I already know this, but the impossibility and miracle of Christmas got me thinking more about the significance of my role as mommy to my sons.

I am thankful that God creates babies with purpose and identity, 

and then sees it necessary to place them in families, 

under the care and direction of a mom and dad.  

What an awesome privilege!

And still crazy to me to think that the God of all the earth 

was placed under the care of earthly parents.

"Impress them upon your children"

I'm reading through a book/study called No Ordinary Home:  The Uncommon Art of Christ-Centered Homemaking by Carol Brazo.  It's a little dated, but I'm being encouraged and inspired by her words and by the Word.  I am filled with hopeful expectation for our home; that it is being made into a space that welcomes the Holy Spirit.  I long for our home to be a sanctuary for my husband; a secure and fun space for the boys to learn about Jesus and God's love; and a warm, safe place for visitors.  Being a working mom now--even though I only work part-time--has been challenging in this aspect.  I am constantly praying and thinking through how to make this place and these three men in my life my number one priorities after the Lord.  

In the last chapter I read, the author highlights Deuteronomy 6:1-12, when Moses exhorts us to observe God's commands, so that we "may enjoy long life".  In Deut. 5:32-33, he says, 

"So be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left.  Walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may life and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess."  What a sweet promise!  If we fear God and obey His commands, not only is He worshipped and honored, but we receive His blessing.  I want to create this kind of atmosphere in our home.  I want Benjamin and Zachary to grow up seeing their daddy and mommy honoring God with their lives--in words and in actions.  Moses also says, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads" (Deut. 6:7-8).  

I so want to impress upon these boys the wonderful ways of our God.  His goodness, faithfulness, holiness, worthiness...  I like the idea of symbols.  In this book I'm reading, the author talks about these symbols and literally placing symbols around her home that prompt people to ask what they mean.  The symbol she uses is a key--so there are literally keys hanging all over their house.  Each key represents a different story of God's faithfulness or miracles in this family's history.  What a great idea!  I'm still thinking through symbols and would love to do this in our home.  But as a start, I love to think of our boys' names as sort of "symbols".  When they are old enough to ask, "Why is my name Benjamin?"  or "Why did you name me Zachary?" -- we will be able to answer them and point them to God.

____________________________________

Benjamin Andrew

When Moses blessed the tribes of Israel, his blessing for Benjamin was this:  

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, 

for He shields him all day long, 

and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders" (Deut. 33:12)

God spoke this "dwelling between His shoulders" to Andy in the midst of our infertility journey, when things were hard and not secure.  God is a safe and secure place.  Benjamin will know the security and comfort of God, his Father.  Andy didn't know this as a young boy, but there will be redemption in his son.  Benjamin's name will forever remind him and us that God is our hiding place, in the midst of trial or storm.  (Even now, Benji is a little lover, and he especially loves to snuggle with his daddy.)

Andrew means strong and mighty.  This son of our will be sweet and tender, knowing that side of God, but he will also be a strong man of a strong God.  We're noticing even now that he may need some help in the strength area ;)

Zachary Ryan

Zechariah means "the Lord remembers."  In Luke, chapter 1, we learn about Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth, who were old and childless.  No doubt that they prayed and asked God for many years for the blessing of children.  And angel visited Zechariah in the temple, when he was doing his priestly duties and spoke, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard.  Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son"  (Luke 1:12)  

When we found out we were having 2 boys, and not a boy and girl as we had felt, I was a little disappointed.  I was afraid I might never have a daughter.  I was sure God has spoken to me that baby A was a boy and Baby B was a girl. The Lord spoke to me that morning after the ultrasound, and He said, "I've always known who Baby B was.  I have always seen him. I will never forget him."  I knew what Zechariah meant, and the name Zachary soon followed.  This name will forever symbolize to us that God hears our prayers.  He remembers us.  He knows our longings.  The name will be a kind of memorial to God in the midst of our infertility.  Zachary, too, will know that he is not forgotten by God.  

Ryan means "little king".  We also felt that God has spoken leadership over Zachary's life, and that he will be like Jesus, our King, in the way he loves and serves others.  

____________________________________

"Impress upon" means to make someone understand the meaning or importance of something.  I look forward to helping these boys to understand the meaning of their names and also the importance of honoring and loving God.  What an honor and privilege and weight it is to be a parent.  

Clothe yourselves...

Source

It has been difficult for me to be motivated to spend time with God over the past month in the midst of my sleep deprivation haze.  But in the last week or so, I have really longed to get back to that place of daily time with the Lord early in the morning, before the start of my day.  Now that I have 2 infants to care for around the clock, it's a little tricky to time it.  The boys wake up roughly around 6-7am for their first am feed and don't eat again until 9.  We put them back down after that feed and I pump afterwards. Usually I go back to sleep, too, but I'm thinking that I need to just buckle down and stay awake after I pump.  I want to start my day off right before my babies wake up for good.

This verse has been on my heart these past few days.  I want to clothe myself each morning with these characteristics as it is pleasing to God and benefits my family and those around me.  On days that are crazy and I'm overwhelmed, I want this peace of Christ to rule in my heart. I want to already be clothed with kindness, compassion, patience, gentleness, and humility.  This is the kind of wife I want to be and the kind of mom I want to be.

So, here's to getting back(ish) in the swing of things around here!

On grieving

I realize it's an interesting post that I write today, as I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little miracles, but I'm realizing that I am still grieving the loss of "what could have been" at times.  I ultimately have peace in my heart, but I still grieve.

I passed a couple walking out of the doctor's office a few weeks ago.  The wife was crying, and the husband looked somber and was rubbing her back.  They could have been crying about anything, but I just had this feeling that they either just had a miscarriage or were told that they needed to see a fertility specialist.  My heart broke for them.  I wanted to tell them it would be ok and that they're not alone.  In this small moment of time, I realized again the privilege it is that I'm carrying twins in my womb.  This was not meant to be - by any scientific means - and if it weren't for the generosity of my father (and Father), we may still be waiting for our Gabriel...

My marriage with Andy is so sweet. I love our deep friendship, and our home is filled with laughter everyday, no matter what we're going through.  So, we have even come to a place where we can laugh at our situation.  The irony and the ridiculousness of it all.  That he is missing a small but extremely important reproductive part.  We can laugh!  We can tease!  But there is still grieving.

Throughout this pregnancy, I have learned here and there how to live in the moment and be thankful for what we have--not looking to the future and asking How? or What if? or Will we?  But there are still times that I think of the other children we want and I just get sad.  Why did this happen to us?  I wish we could just plan when we want our next child and go get pregnant.  I love adoption, but I want to choose it out of an overflow of our hearts' desire, not out of obligation.  (and financially, adoption is still a pricey option)

Jesus doesn't push me away in my grief.  He doesn't say, "We've already been over this.  Why are you still sad?"  Sometimes He is the only One who understands.  When I hear of people getting pregnant again, and I am happy but have to run to the secret place to meet with God, He doesn't scold me.  He is the most patient, most understanding Father.

I've started reading the sequel to a book called Hinds Feet on High Places, which has been very influential and impactful to me in my walk with God.  This book is called Mountains of Spices (by Hannah Hurnard), and it's "an allegory about human weaknesses and strengths comparing the spices in Song of Solomon to the fruits of the Spirit".  Yesterday morning I read a part in the chapter on Joy that really struck me.  I have since written the words down in my journal twice.  I believe that it was God's way of encouraging me in this trial that we're still in...  the trial of life.  Infertility will never leave us.  We will never solve this problem.  I will always carry that in my heart--not in an unhealthy way, but just as a cross I am to bear.  We can't escape it.  But will I let it change me for His glory?  Will I choose joy on the path of suffering?

The main character in this book is named Grace and Glory after she was taken to the high places by the Shepherd in the first book.  On the journey to the high places, she learned much about God's ways and was transformed from "Much Afraid" into "Grace and Glory".  She was given a new name and now a new outlook on life.  In this chapter on Joy, the Shepherd is showing Grace and Glory the mountain where the camphire bushes grow.  "Before the perfumed oil could be produced by the plant, the ground around the bushes needed to be manured with a bitter substance which the roots of the bushes drew in from the soil and changed into the oil of gladness. There were certain seasons when [the Shepherd's] workmen treated the soil in this way, just before the heavy winter rains and snows began when  everything on the bushes faded and fell to the ground and the branches were left completely bare." (pg. 66).

Grace and Glory thought this was so sad and didn't understand why the beautiful fruit would have to endure bitterness and death.  The Shepherd responded with a song that explained why.  Grace and Glory then understood, remembering the hard journey she took to the high places, which in turn gave her the greatest joy and she came to know the King.  She responds:

"If other nights of sorrow must come to me," she said to herself, "I can never fear nor dread them again, for I know they are only the seasons when the camphire bushes of the King are prepared and made ready to produce the oil of gladness.  Oh, how lovely His thoughts and HIs plans are, how great is His wonderful goodness and loving-kindness.  His ways of grace past finding out!  Oh, that I may always react to sorrow in such a way that it will be overcome and be changed into His joy." (pg. 68)

The Shepherd's response is what has been impacting my heart majorly these past couple of days:

"There is absolutely no experience, however terrible, or heartbreaking, or unjust, or cruel, or evil, which you can meet i the course of your earthly life, that can harm you if you will but let Me teach you how to accept it with joy; and to react to it triumphantly as I did Myself, with love and forgiveness and with willingness to bear the results of wrong done by others.  Every trial, every test, every difficulty and seemingly wrong experience through which you may have to pass, is only another opportunity granted to you of conquering an evil thing and bring out of it something to the lasting praise and glory of God.

You sons and daughters of Adam, in all your suffering and sorrow, are the most privileged of all beings, for you are to be perfected through suffering and to become the sons and daughters of God with His power to overcome evil with good.  If only you realized your destiny, how you would rejoice at every experience of trial and tribulation, and even in the persecution which comes your way.  You would 'count it all joy.'  You would take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions and distresses for Christ's sake 'for when you are weak, then you learn how to be made strong.'"  (page 70, 71)

So, again, I'm learning that we become like Him in our death.  That I should count my sufferings and trials as joy because He is giving me opportunities to walk as He walked and become more like Him.  In my weaknesses, He is strong.  My weaknesses may become my greatest strengths, somehow.

Our little boys will remind me again and again and again that God makes beauty out of ashes.  I will still grieve our infertility, but I believe that this trial will continue to be made into joy.  

He makes all things beautiful!

*Disclaimer:  This is a very long post with lots of details!*

I feel like on this blog, one day I said we were doing IVF, 

and the next day I announced we were pregnant.

I started off sharing a fair amount of personal details, 

but then I stopped.  

Partly because I never intended to share everything

and partly because things got really hard and trying for us.

Journeying through infertility is already an extremely exposing and vulnerable thing, 

let alone when you share every single detail on your blog.

Though, I am so thankful to the countless "friends" I have made in cyberspace

by finding blogs of Christian women who have gone or are going through this journey.

Having those blogs, in addition to a "real life" friend who has walked this road before,

has been so helpful for me to just connect and hear stories and know we're not alone.

But I feel at this point that I want to share more of our story

because it helps to underscore the miracle of our twins

and brings glory to God!

Our Infertility Timeline

October 2011:  We prayed and asked God if we could start trying for a family.  We both felt His affirmation and heard encouraging words of hope.

February 2012:  Our dear friends are pregnant!  I am so excited for them, yet this stirs up fear in me and concern--why are we not pregnant yet?

May 2012:  I see my Gyn. to talk through things.  Could there be something wrong?  No, this just takes time.  Checked some labs anyway, and things looked normal.

July 2012:  At iCon, Antioch's international church planting conference, there was a significant word of encouragement spoken out during a worship time for the women in the room.  The theme of the word had to do with fertility and being pregnant with promises--more in the spirit, though.  But then Jimmy Seibert got up right after the word was spoken and encouraged any women where actually trying to conceive and having difficulty to be prayed for by friends.  This was huge for us.  The first time Andy cried about it all, and dear friends gathered around us and prayed for God to breakthrough.  We really thought this was it!
August 2012:  Another negative pregnancy test.  Heartbreak.  But continuing to trust and believe.
October 2012:  One year of trying... Made another appt with my doctor but saw a different one.  This time both Andy and I went, and this doctor talked through the option of starting Clomid, a fertility drug that jumpstarts the ovaries into releasing several eggs in hopes that one fertilizes.  We left the appointment not know why this wasn't happening for us but with an option to try.
December 2012:  After talking with a good friend who had gone through years of infertility, we decided not to do Clomid without seeing a fertility specialist first.  Our appointment was right before Christmas.  He did an ultrasound and saw that I had numerous follicles in both ovaries, suggesting that I hadn't been ovulating for years possibly.  We drew labs, too, and he went through possible reasons and options for us.  I was shocked but also glad to hear there was a reason and I wasn't going crazy!
January 2013:  We decided to move forward with Option #1--take a med that also jumpstarts the ovaries into producing/growing follicles, giving myself an injection that tells my body to ovulate at a specific day/time, and then come in for IUI (intrauterine insemination).  This whole process involved coming in for many ultrasounds for several days in a row to monitor the progress of the med.  We were finally given a specific time for me to give the "trigger" shot and then both Andy and I would come into the clinic the following day (happened to be a Saturday), and we'd get a sample from Andy, and then the doctor would put the sample in me.  Not as advanced as IVF; this leaves more up to "chance" for the body to do its thing.  We decided last minute to forgo the IUI procedure and just try naturally in our specific window of time.
January 2013 - Pregnacy Blood Test:  Negative
February 2013:  We decide to try this same option again but actually go through with the IUI procedure. I won't go into details, but this is just not fun!  Getting a "sample" is not an enjoyable task, especially under stressful time constraints.  As soon as Andy got back from dropping off the sample at the clinic, I was about to head out to leave for my portion--the IUI part--and we got The Call.  There was zero sperm in his sample.  We were devastated.
March 2013:   We meet again with our doctor, now with new clues to our infertility struggle.  There was another test he wanted to run on Andy involving more samples and stress.  When Andy got the call about the results of this test, I was in Texas for an Antioch training, so we were apart.  It was a really really hard day for us; probably one that will go down in the history books.  Again there was nothing.  We were faced with the possibility that we might never have our own biological children.  All I wanted to do was cry and cry but we were at a training conference.  I couldn't talk to anyone about it really, and I was just heartbroken.  When I got back a couple days later, Andy had already gotten an appointment with the Urologist we were referred to, and we saw him on Monday.
We really like(d) this guy, and upon initial examination (read: painful), he told us that Andy was born with something called CBAVD - Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas Deferens.  A condition only caused by Cystic Fibrosis or carrying the gene for CF.  This doesn't mean Andy doesn't make sperm, there is just no way for it to get out of the body.  Wow.  What?!  If he indeed made sperm (which we found out through labs), then the Urologist could do a procedure called PESA to retrieve sperm that could be used in IVF.  Our only option at this point is IVF.
April 2013:  Andy's procedure is done.  One word:  ouch.  I won't go into details, but we both get to say we went through a lot for these babies.  We also have more sad news.  The sperm retrieved weren't many and weren't healthy.  2 options--use donor sperm or try this again.  Andy was about to leave for a month long overseas missions trip in May.  It was decided that I would start the IVF drugs sometime in May, and it would hopefully work out for the day of my egg retrieval, Andy would be back in time to do the procedure again.
May 2013:  I start my many pills and shots and ultrasounds.  (I continue some form of a shot until October, actually.) Andy is overseas and taking special vitamins to help boost his numbers.
June 2013:  My body is responding a lot slower than they expected.  There was a period of 10-14 days that I was going in everyday or every other day for ultrasounds and coming home or going back to work disappointed.  Things are not happening like they should.  We might have to cancel this cycle.  But finally, there are a few follicles (which contain eggs) that are growing to the appropriate size, and we set a date for my egg retrieval and set Andy's procedure for the day before.  Andy's procedure went well--much better than the first time.  It was actually a lot less painful, too.  We had prayed and prayed, and I really believe it was God's breakthrough and mercy that allowed the results to be so good.

Capture Day:  In IVF world, this is a fun and exciting day--even though it involves going under anesthesia and getting needles poked into places they don't belong.  But for us, again, the results were less than optimal.  We were hoping for somewhere around 2 dozen eggs to be retrieved, so when I was waking from anesthesia and my doctor came to tell us he only got 11 eggs, I was devastated.  Again, I didn't understand.  We thought we would have enough eggs to make a good amount embryos (knowing that not ALL eggs or embryos survive this process) so we would never have to do this process again.  But when we got home and I spent some time in prayer and meditation, I felt again just thankful to God for this miracle of even 11 eggs.  We prayed over these eggs - and soon to be embryos - and believed for miracles.

Got my first ever IV placed and ready to go!

Ahh, anesthesia sleep.

Post-egg-retrieval.  Excited!

We have 11 baby eggs--we are already parents!  Thankful to God.

Mid-June 2013:  We get another Call.  Out of our 11 eggs, 10 fertilized with the sperm.  But after a few days, when the embryologist watches them intensely for the optimal window for freezing, only 3 survived.  THREE.  With heavy, heavy hearts we accepted this news.  It seemed like there was only disappointment for us.  We head to Disneyland for  MUCH needed vacation.
June 29th:  We return from Disney to a letter in the mail from the embryologist telling us his opinions on what to do next, and that our three little embryos were ranked sub-optimally.  Mind you, this was communicated through check boxes and short sentences.  NOT the way you want to be told that it was recommended to do this all over again or use donor sperm.
July 2013:  We meet with the fertility doctor again to go over our options.  Our hearts are still heavy and confused.  Our doctor says that in his opinion, we should move forward with transferring the embryos into my womb and seeing what happens.  Instead of transferring the recommended 2, he suggested transferring all 3, since ours weren't very strong.  This doctor is very smart and loves to calculate statistics when you see him, and somehow he gave us a 52% chance of getting pregnant with one baby after this.  We decided to throw chance out the window and believe God.  So again, I start another round of shots and pills to prepare my uterus for the transferring of embryos in August.

August 8, 2013:  Our 4 year anniversary and Transfer Day!  

I texted this pic to my mom and sis, saying,
"Do I look like a mommy?" before heading out.

We both got to "suit up" because Andy got to be there
with me when our babies were transferred.
We were both present for their conception!

August 17, 2013:  My blood test was in a few days, and we were told to not do any home pregnancy tests because you can get a false negative, but I woke up this morning and couldn't stand waiting anymore.  Before Andy woke up, I took this test... and woke him up by shoving it in his face!

My first ever POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!

Pure JOY

We had already planned to go up to Flagstaff for the day to spend time together praying, worshipping, and trusting God for the days to come.  I really wanted to just know that we were pregnant when we did this, haha.  We found a sweet spot in the woods (wanted to find green grass, but the inclement weather prevented us) and laid out a blanket and worshipped and prayed.  We were still in shock and disbelief... and with our history of things not going as we planned, we were somewhat tentative in being too excited, but we were nonetheless.

We have a baby in there :)

August 19, 2013:  I went in for my blood test to find out if we were pregnant--although we already knew :)  We didn't tell ANYONE about this date because we wanted it to be a surprise.
Of course, I get the wonderful news when the nurse calls me at work a few hours later.  PURE BLISS.

Over the next 2 weeks, I go in for 3 more blood tests to make sure my HcG levels (pregnancy hormone) were rising appropriately.   Well, mine were more than doubling, they were tripling.  This was our first inkling that maybe God answered our prayer for twins.

These three little embryos turned into...

TWO BABIES!

 

Trials and testing prove there's gold.

God is not haphazard or negligent.  He has a plan and purpose for everything He does.
This past year and a half has tried and tested us, but I am convinced more than ever before that
He satisfies my soul.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."  Ecclesiastes 3:11

After all that, we are now counting down the weeks to welcoming two baby boys into our hearts and home.  I will NEVER forget the faithfulness of God in our story.  They will grow up knowing that they were longed for, fought for, prayed for, and loved before they even had a heartbeat.  

18 Weeks and Gender Reveal!

Happy Thanksgiving, friends and family!

I have been ready to post since Monday, but for some reason my 18 week belly pics 

would not upload onto my computer.  So, this lovely photo will have to suffice for my belly shot!

(Our friend Danielle Swanson is an amazingly gifted photographer.  

We will be hiring her for maternity and newborn photos, for sure!)

The pic I had Andy take of my belly showed my bump much better, but you can kind of tell here that I'm popping out now... or at least I think I am!  It's crazy feeling the bump.  I love it!

I'll do my pregnancy update then post the genders (although, most of you I'm sure already know!).

How far along: 18 weeks and 4 days
Baby size: as long as sweet potatoes (crown to rump)
Total weight gain: still about 10 lbs...  I may or may not continue to reveal this little detail!!  My doctor told me to gain 5 lbs every month here on out from our last appointment on Nov. 2, but I don't think that's absolutely necessary.  I'm trying to watch my portions and eat healthy and let things happen.
Sleep:  I've had a terrible cold/respiratory infection that has plagued me during sleep... coughing a ton and needing to blow my nose through the night.  But pregnancy wise, I'm sleeping well!
Movement:  I still can't feel their movements!  I'm trying hard to concentrate and feel those "flutters".  We found out both placentas are anterior--or basically on the top.  I read if that's the case, they have to kick through more layers, so you may not feel them til later on.
Food cravings/aversions:  I honestly don't think I'm craving anything in particular.  I don't like thinking that any food or craving will control me, anyway!  But I will say that bagels are still yummy and my love of rich coffee has returned :)
Pregnancy Symptoms:  The headaches are still on/off,  but not as bad.  I have gotten sharp round ligament pain when changing position really fast.  Other than that, I feel great!
What I miss: Nothing!  
What I'm looking forward to:  Picking out some cute clothes for the babies for Christmas and starting to plan their nursery.
Milestones:  We found out their genders!  In addition, their whole anatomy scan was amazing, and we were so thrilled to see their sweet little bodies and how miraculously God has formed them and continues to grow and develop them.  All of their parts and organs looks healthy!  (brains, kidneys, intestines, spinal cords, 20 fingers, 20 toes, hearts)
Best moment this week: Spending Thanksgiving week with my parents, Nick, Victoria, and Andy in my parents' new place in Scottsdale.  We're having a lot of fun together, and it has been great to relax with not much on the agenda.  I enjoyed cooking and baking a ton yesterday, too.

Now, onto the gender reveal!!!

TWO BABY BOYS!  

We were actually SO surprised and almost taken aback, but after sometime to process and pray, 

we both realized how exciting this is.  God knows what's best for our family.

We have learned to trust him, especially when things don't go exactly how we planned.

We were thinking we'd have at least one little girl, 

but instead we have been given 

2 little boys. 

2 best friends.

2 mighty men.

We can't wait to meet these special, miraculous little guys!

What is stirring my heart...

I was listening to a sermon from Antioch in Waco the other morning on my run, and I was struck 

by what the pastor (Jimmy Seibert) began saying about who Jesus is all throughout the Bible.

I have listened to it over and over ("Discipled by Jesus" from 8/25/12 starting at minute 17:21), and I am encouraged more each time I hear these truths.

May you be encouraged, too!

Genesis - He is the ram at Abraham's side

Exodus - He is the Passover Lamb

Leviticus - He is the High Priest

Numbers - He is the cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night

Deuteronomy - He is the City of Our Refuge

Joshua - He is our Salvation

Judges - He is our Judge

Ruth - He is our Kinsman-Redeemer

1&2 Samuel - He is our Trusted Prophet

1&2 Kings and 1&2 Chronicles - He is our Reigning King

Ezra - He is our Faithful Scribe

Nehemiah - He is the Rebuilder of everything that is broken

Esther - He is Mordechai, sitting faithful at the gate

Job - He is Our Redeemer that ever lives

Psalms - He is my Shepherd, I shall not want

Provers and Ecclesiastes - He is our Wisdom

Song of Songs - He is the Lover of our souls

Isaiah - He is our Suffering Servant

Jeremiah and Lamentations - He is our Weeping Prophet

Ezekiel - He is the One who calls us out of sin

Daniel - He is the fourth man in the midst of the fiery furnace

Hosea - He is my Love, forever faithful

Joel - He baptizes us in the Holy Spirit

Amos - He is our Burden Bearer

Obadiah - He is our Savior

Jonah - He is the Great Missionary, to the ends of the earth

Micah - He is the Messenger with beautiful feet

Nahum - He is our Avenger

Habakkuk - He is the Watchman, ever praying for revival

Zephaniah - He is the Lord, mighty to save

Haggai - He is the Restorer of our lost heritage

Zechariah - He is our Fountain of Life

Malachi - He is the Son of Righteousness with healing in His wings

Matthew - He is the Christ, Son of the Living God

Mark - He is the Miracle Worker

Luke - He is the Son of Man

John - He is the Door, through which we must all enter

Acts - He is the Shining Light that appears to Saul on the road to Damascus

Romans - He is our Justifier

1 Corinthians - He is our Resurrection

2 Corinthians - He is our Sin-Bearer

Galatians - He redeems us from the law

Ephesians - He is our unsearchable riches

Philippians - He supplies our every need

Colossians - He is the fullness of the Godhead in bodily form

1&2 Thessalonians - He is our Coming King

1&2 Timothy - He is the Mediator between God and man

Titus - He is our Blessed Hope

Philemon - He is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother

Hebrews - He is the blood of the everlasting covenant

James - He is the Lord, who heals the sick

1&2 Peter - He is our Chief Shepherd

1, 2, & 3 John - It is Jesus who has the tenderness of love

Jude - He is the Lord, coming with 10,000 saints

Revelation - Lift up your eyes, Church, for our Redemption draws near.  He is the KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS!