A Whole New World

I know many of you have followed my blog postings, 

especially since I opened up about our journey into infertility.

Well, since my last post, things look a little (read:  much) different.

I haven't posted everything because I'm not sure 

how open we're ready to be online about our situation, 

but I will share a little more here.

In February, after some earth-shattering results, we were referred to another kind of doctor,
in addition to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor).

To make a long story short, our only chance to have biological children

is through IVF. 

Over this past year and a half, I always talked about IVF as if it were this last resort thing

that we would never have to go to because I didn't believe we had any real issues.

IVF was expensive (still is), involved, scary, overwhelming, 

and just not something we would ever need.

Well, I was wrong.

And now, on this side of things, 

I am so thankful to God for IVF.

I am so thankful that He gifts some men and women with brilliance, intelligence, 

and medical expertise to help couples achieve pregnancy

in cases where they wouldn't be able to on their own.

I fully believe that God has led us here and is with us in this process.

I am aware that there are a slew of opinions and conclusions that people have on this subject, 

but all I want to say is that I am thankful for IVF.

I don't believe we're taking this into "our own hands".

God is still God and still the Giver of Life. 

IVF is not even a "given" or a quick-fix.

We are fully aware that it doesn't always achieve pregnancy.

The statistics are not 100%, so God is still the writer of this story. 

I haven't started my IVF cycle yet (and it lasts 2-3 months), 

but I will soon.

I will soon enter into a world of mail-order drugs, 

multiple, daily injections, 

daily doctors' appointments, bloodwork, ultrasounds...

I've wondered a lot over the past year, 

Have this many pregnant women always existed?

Or am I just more aware of baby bumps because I so long for one?

And now, as we have doven headlong into the acronym-riddled world of infertility, 

I have wondered, 

Have this many Christian women and couples 

struggling with infertility 

and going through IVF

always been here?

Or have I just been enveloped into a different kind of "club"

so now I'm more aware? 

Either way, I'm learning now, more than ever, 

that many, many men and women are diagnosed and faced with infertility.

In fact, 7.3 million in America are, and this week (April 21-28)

happens to be National Infertility Awareness Week.

I have found comfort and hope and encouragement

through many blogs of women who have gone through
and are facing the challenges of infertility and treatments.
It's incredible that there are so so so many others who struggle with this.


It has been and still is an extremely painful journey to be on,
one of dying to many hopes and dreams,
but Andy and I are expectant for a miracle
and
look forward to seeing the glory of God revealed through our suffering.


Love, Emily

Kitchen Creations (lately)

Lately it seems that if I ever have any "free time", it is spent baking something!  (Accept for this extremely rare occasion when I have my legs propped up on Andy's lap and I'm blogging and watching Harry Potter with the hubs.)  From church events to birthdays to weddings...  I love it, of course!  But literally, some days I come home from work, straight in from the garage and proceed to stand at the counter for hours baking and creating.  Andy loves to encourage me in my baking and says I should start my own business.  Ha!  That's going a bit too far.  At least for now, that is an overwhelming idea.

Here are some of the sweets my kitchen has produced over the past couple of months...

Mochaccino Cupcakes for a coworker's birthday

Carrot Cake for our friend Nate's graduation party

Fun sprinkle cake for Ellie's baptism celebration!

Sprinkles!  Just take a handful and smash 'em into the sides.
A little tedious and messy but totally worth the results!

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes, Red Velvet Cupcakes,
Triple Chocolate Fudge Cupcakes, and White Wedding Cupcakes
120 in total!  

Another wedding cake!  Andy married the couple and I baked their cake.
We were a dynamic duo, needless to say :)

The Lowest of Lows - The Highest of Highs

One of the many incredible Arizona sunsets.

(There I go again, leaving weeks of silence on this blog.) Thank you to all who read my last post and responded so warmly and lovingly.  I'm thankful for the way God is using our lives to bring people encouragement, hope, and ultimately glory to His name.

The funny (read: ironic) thing is that the day after I wrote that post, we got some "bad" news.  This news led to more testing and, ultimately, even more "bad" news.  Our journey felt (and sometimes still does feel)like it was taking a turn for the worst.  Without getting too specific, Andy and I have found ourselves in a place we never thought we'd be as we long for children.  

We have a lot of praying, listening, waiting, and seeking to do.

In the past week or so, I have experienced all sorts of emotions:

heartbreak, 

heartache, 

fear, 

frustration, 

anger, 

loneliness, 

hope, 

faith, 

despair...

but I can honestly say that God has still been Faithful to me.

He has met me in my pain, felt troubled in His spirit with me, wept with me, 

and still constantly turns to me and says, 

"Emily, if you believe, you will see the glory of God."

What else can I do but believe Him?  At times, I have felt so hurt by God by the way things have turned out that I want to run from Him, 

but at the same time, 

He is the only One who knows me and can comfort me in the way that matters, that 

He is the one I'm running to.

John 11 has been by bread and butter these past few weeks.  It was in that chapter that Martha's brother Lazarus, whom Jesus really loved and cared for, got sick and died.  Martha sent men to tell Jesus that Lazarus was really sick and on his death bed and to please come, but Jesus stayed where He was for 2 days until He made the journey back to Judea (a place where He had been persecuted before).  By the time Jesus got to their home, Lazarus had been dead and in a tomb for 4 days.  Martha and Mary and their family were so sad and grieving the loss of their dear brother.  Martha met Jesus first, and He told her that her brother would rise again (like, in a few moments), and Martha responded, telling Jesus that she believed he would rise again at the resurrection day.  

This is when Jesus says, 

"I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.  Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26)

Martha believes.  Then she sends Mary to meet Jesus.  For once, Martha gets it right, but Mary is a little slower to catch up.  

She is obviously distraught that her brother died.

Where were you, Jesus?
I thought you would come!

If only You had been here, Lazarus would be alive right now.

Jesus hears her pain and goes with her to see Lazraus' body.  The scripture actually says that Jesus was "deeply moved in spirit and troubled" and He wept with His friends.  

The God of the universe felt human emotion with His grieving friends and wept and mourned with them.  Even when He knew the outcome of the situation!  

That is incredibly amazing to me.  

And that's definitely why I will never run from Him in my pain but instead run to Him.

But the most impactful part about this story to me has been in verse 40.  After Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, He turns to Mary and says, 

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

So, I am choosing to believe. Over and over and over again, I'm believing His words.  I'm believing His promises.  I'm choosing to believe even when it doesn't seem possible or logical or fun or easy.

God WILL be glorified in this situation, in our lives, and ultimately in all the earth. 

I feel privileged (at times!) to take part in the suffering of Christ in order that 

His life may be revealed in me.

And I wanted to share something to encouraged you, whoever you are reading this.  God showed me this morning, that He has "high places" for each one of us.  But the only way we know something is a "high place" is if we travel through the valley.  There is usually pain and suffering in the valley, but it is worth it in the end, as God ultimately is victorious and gets the glory.  But the high places He talks of in scripture... I believe there are unique and specific ones that He has created for each of His children.  Read Habakkuk 3:17-19 in the New American Bible Standard version:

Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹ The Lord ^[b]God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

Praying that even though it is extremely painful and sometimes feels like death, 

that you would embrace Jesus in your suffering and find that 

He ultimately is scheming and planning for your GOOD and 

has great heights of love, glory, and blessing to take you to.

A Road Less Traveled

This blog has been silent for a few months.  I haven't written for several reasons... one being that I couldn't upload pictures last time I attempted to post, and I didn't have the patience to figure out the problem.  Another being the fact that it was the holiday season, and I was too busy.  Another being the fact that my heart has been all over the place emotionally, and blogging didn't feel right.

But, here I am now, and I feel prompted to write... openly, honestly, and vulnerably.

The road I refer to in the title of this post is a road that actually is more traveled than many--including myself--think is traveled.  More people than we think have traveled, are traveling, or will travel this road.  The road, I mean, is infertility.  I'm sure at the point when most realize they are on this road, that they think to themselves, "Why am I here?  I never thought I would end up here.  I didn't intend to go this way."  At least I have thought those thoughts.

I am not one to be secretive or too private.  I don't "wear my heart on my sleeve" necessarily, but I have just always been one who will honestly answer those questions like, "How are you?" or "How are things?"  Since I've found Jesus, though, I can answer those questions honestly if I'm not in a good place, but I always have hope or trust in God's character.  So, I may share a lot on this blog right now, but I'm ok with that.  I feel prompted by the Lord to share.  [I'm also not one to champion a cause or make sure people are aware of some injustice or something like that.  If awareness comes to some or many through my posts, then that's great.]  I am simply sharing my heart.

I haven't been too private about the fact that Andy and I have been trying for a baby for some time now.  It has actually been about 16 months since we set out to have children.  16 months.  This may seem like forever to some but just the beginning to others.  To me, this seems like forever.  I can't believe over a year has past since we started.  I thought, you decide to start having kids, it may take a month or two, but eventually, bada boom... you're pregnant.  Not the case for us.  Since October 2011, it has been an emotional but good journey of my heart.  I can truly say that it has been good.  It is always good to be drawn to the depths of desperation and despair only to find Jesus there waiting for you, responding to your cries, meeting you in your pain.  I have been taken to a deeper, sweeter level of intimacy with my God than I could have ever gotten to if the "bada boom plan" had prevailed. 

In these last couple of months, we have begun to walk the road of seeking medical help.  In mid-December we saw a fertility specialist who told us, frankly and rather quickly, that I have a problem with ovulation.  More simply put, I don't ovulate.  The doctor suspects I haven't ovulated for maybe a few years.  In the past few several weeks we have gone back to the doctor for tests, labwork, and a follow up appointment.  It turns out I have a hormonal imbalance, which is one thing against us.  I also have increased levels of insulin (slight insulin resistance), which, left untreated or undetected, stops ovulation.

The insulin issue can potentially be corrected and managed, which will in turn correct the ovulation issue, but it is still a separate diagnosis that I am continuing to process with the Lord.  Again,  as I said, there are medical fixes and interventions for our problems, but this has still been such an emotional journey for me, these past few weeks.  Never in a million years did I believe this would be our journey--nobody does.  But it is.  And now I have the opportunity to trust God and meet Jesus in a deeper place than without this challenge.  God is still God.  He is still the Ultimate Creator; He is still the Giver of Life.  He is the One who calls things that are not as though they were.  He breathes life into dead things.  He is Healer.  He is the Blessed Controller of our lives.

I have started this post many times over that past couple of weeks--demonstrating the truth that this topic is sensitive but something I long to share and don't always have the words to speak.  All I can say is oh, how hard and painful these days have been but OH, how sweet Jesus has been to me.  He really is the only One who knows me and can speak words that unlock my soul and heal my heart.  He is the only One who can bring peace that surpasses all understanding.  Of course there are moments and hours and days that I just want to scream or when I can't control my tears, but overall He is so kind, so faithful, so gentle with me that I am ok.

This past round of interventions did not turn out the way we believed it would.  Again, we had a negative pregnancy test despite medication.  God is still God.  He still has a plan.  As I'm coming out of a time where 8 women in my life became pregnant and delivered their beautiful, precious babies and entering right back into another time it seems, I am learning to truly rejoice in others' rejoicing and trust my Father with every twinge of pain and with every silent tear or cry of my heart.  He is faithful with us.  I really am learning what His peace feels like.  I am learning that the world doesn't stop reproducing until it happens for us :)

Without the rain, there will be no rainbow.  He is creating a beautiful rainbow for me.

Something I read the other night in the book, Calm My Anxious Heart  by Linda Dillow (a book I am reading in a women's group) really hit home for me:
       
     "The city of Brussels is known for its exquisite lace.  In the famous lace shops, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns.  These rooms are altogether dark, except for a light from one tiny window that falls directly upon the pattern.  Only one spinner sits in the darkened room in the very place wehre the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving.  Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light.
     As God weaves His pattern into the fabric of our lives, sometimes we sit in a 'darkened room.'  The darkness seems suffocating.  We can't understand what He's doing and cant discover any possible good in the darkness.  Yet, if we fix our focus on our faithful Weaver, we will someday know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days of darkness." 

God has spoken and continues to speak over me "life" as I trust Him with my heart.  Out of my pain, I still have a testimony of life to proclaim over us and over others.  As I long for literal life inside my womb, I am seeing others' pains and struggles and longing for them to experience LIFE in Jesus!  My eyes are being taken off of my own circumstances, and I'm learning to see people and circumstances through a heavenly perspective.  Even in our weakness, God still invites us into the workings of the Kingdom.

Infertility is a growing problem and sadly is becoming more and more common.  I know this isn't how God intended things to be, but the reason why we have sickness, pain, hurt, infertility, etc in this life is because with the fall of man, evil entered into the earth.  But, oh, that I would become more like Christ through this struggle and through this pain.  And oh, how He longs to redeem and restore.  That is God's character.  My heart has been knit together with some women in this process, and I am so thankful for those relationships. If anyone in your life is experiencing this pain, pray.  Oh, please join in with us as we pray for life!  Join us as we journey deeper into the heart of God.  

Thank you for reading, friends and family. I just wanted to share.  I will continue to post as I am lead to write.  

"My God is the God who will never forget"

This is a song on repeat for me lately.  If you are struggling to believe that God will come through or that you've been forgotten or overlooked or that your promises will not be fulfilled, may you be encouraged by the truth to these words.  

God's character is that 

He "remains faithful forever" (Ps. 146:6),

there is Joy in His presence (Ps. 16:11),

by Him all things are created with purpose (Col. 1:16)

those who hope in Him lack no good thing (Ps. 34:10)

those who look to Him will not be put to shame (Ps. 25:3)

He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love (Exodus 33)

"Holding My World" by Kristian Stanfill

And this is Your world, You made it
And all of creation is breathing because You sustain it
Jesus, by Your powerful word, You spoke out the earth and the heavens

So I will not worry or fret
My God is the God who will never forget
All of His goodness and all of His promises
He's holding my world in His hands

And these are your days, You give them
All for your fame and all for Your glorious kingdom
Jesus, You have ordained all things to dwell in Your purpose

So I will not worry or fret
My God is the God who will never forget
All of His goodness and all of His promises
He's holding my world in His hands

And I am Your child, Beloved
And all of my days my future is laid in Your promise
Jesus, to the end of the age, I am not alone of forgotten

So I will not worry or fret
My God is the God who will never forget
All of His goodness and all of His promises
He's holding my world

So I will not worry or fret
My God is the God who will never forget
All of His goodness and all of His promises
He's holding my world in His hands

October

Here's a little bit of what we were up to in October...

We helped throw the last Baby Shower for a couple months!

A backyard couples' shower for Bentlee June

in honor of first time parents Caleb and Whitney.

(Bentlee June is on her way out as I type!)

I enjoyed some beautiful sunrises on my early morning runs...

I got bangs!

One of Kristen's roommates, Cristina, is a beautician :)

 Andy and I went to Schnepf Farms to try to get the Autumnal feel... didn't quite work!

But we still enjoyed time together.

Andy turned 26!

Making a wedding cake.

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, 

you already know that I made a wedding and groom's cake last week for 

our friends' (Canela and Reed Hoffman) wedding on Oct. 20th.

When they got engaged in June, I immediately offered to make their cake!

Little did I know about all that goes INTO making a cake...

but I figured, I can make cakes, so why not?

It turns out, I can make a wedding cake :)

but it's quite an involved to-do!

My mom was kind enough to fly out for 5 days and be my right-hand woman...

or my professional Instagram-er along the way :)

Now, I definitely over estimated how big of a cake they would need... 

but, with that being said, the cakes and frostings included:

over 36 eggs and 3 cups of egg whites 

at least 10 lbs of butter

4 boxes of cake flour

3 containers of cocoa

about 15 pounds of sugar

and lots of TLC!

getting 10 sticks of butter to room temp... this was just for one batch of frosting!

cooking sugar and egg whites (and making dinner simultaneously, thanks to the crock!)

the makings of Swiss Meringue Buttercream

I may buy stock in Pillsbury.

ha!  seems so small

We got started off early on Thursday.  See the bagel?  No time to sit and eat!

Friday: Icing and filling the groom's cake.

yummm

needed more buttercream!

Thankful for the fridge and freezer at our church's building!

Transporting the cakes.

My timeline...

1 week before: bake the chocolate cakes; make 2 batches of buttercream; make simple syrup

Thursday:  bake wedding cakes; freeze cakes overnight

Friday: Make PB buttercream; defrost, level, and frost all cakes; fridge overnight

Saturday:  transport cakes to site, stack and finish decorating wedding cake.  Enjoy the night!

After all was said and done!

Mr. & Mrs. Reed Hoffman

a beautiful setting for a wedding

The bride and groom approved!

lemon curd and raspberry preserves filled the vanilla butter cake layers

edited with Camera+ app